Happy 4th Birthday

S. If I never go to sleep, does that mean the 28th will never come?

Can I stay up from the 27th until the 29th and just skip that day?  No one needs to think about what happen on that day? 

Or maybe staying up that long will make it so that day had never happen?

Those painful feelings would never have been felt.  Those countless tears never cried.  That loss never felt?

Nope!  Sorry Miranda but it doesn't work that way.

No matter how late I stay up, no matter how much I try to stay calm, no matter how much I smile and say "I'm fine" that day will have happened.

4 years ago today the most amazing thing happen. I had my 4th baby.  He was to be my rainbow baby.  The baby I had dreamed about and was finally here. 

Instead of being such a happy thing it was more a huge sigh of relief and then a roller coaster of emotions.  Relief that we didn't have to make the decision between my life or the babies.  And then a roller coaster of "holy shit!  This is happening to us. Right now"

I'm not sure why I find this year so weird for me.  

Tonight, laying in bed, Arnold put his arms around me and asked if I was ready for tomorrow.  And you know what?  It's the first we have talked about Otis, for a long time.  Neither of us have talked about him to each other or to or with the boys.  We haven't done anything like that in a while.  When we picked up our Christmas tree this year Q did ask if it was Otis's birthday.  It has been our tradition to pick up our Christmas tree on his birthday, but this year it just didn't work.

After school I hope we can decorate the tree.  I know the boys have activities but I would love to decorated it as a family.

I think another reason this year is so hard for me is that our son would be in JK.  His life would now be measured by school years. It's weird looking at these kids in my class wondering.. Would Otis be doing that?  Would he be ahead or behind compared to the others?  Would he made friends?  Would he be in my classroom?  Sometimes watching the kids I can see my own children at that age and I wonder of Otis would have been the same.

To answer Arnold's question... No I'm not ready for tomorrow.  I'm not ready to face the day. I'm not ready to be myself. 

But I am ready to wish my son Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven.  We miss you and love you so much.  I'm sure you are having so much fun with your sister <3

October 12th - A Month to be Thankful!

There is this fad... every November it seems like everyone on my Facebook feed is becoming ever so thankful.  They post things they are grateful for.  And I love reading them.  It's so nice to see people who are thankful for some of the things I take for granted.

So I'm trying to do the "Canadian Version".  I'm trying to do my on month of being thankful!

Day #12

I'm thankful!

I'm thankful for my kids!  Kyler and Quinton are amazing little men.  I was reminded of that on Sunday at the grocery store.  Between watching where they were going, not pushing into people and running to get things on our grocery list.  It was impressive.

A woman stopped me and told me how wonderful the boys were.  She said they were going to grow into incredible young men with my husband and my parenting.

Some days you need that.  Especially after having a rough day with them before.  It's nice to see that others are seeing the work and love you put into your children every day. 

I'm thankful for my boys.

October 7th - A Month to be Thankful!

There is this fad... every November it seems like everyone on my Facebook feed is becoming ever so thankful.  They post things they are grateful for.  And I love reading them.  It's so nice to see people who are thankful for some of the things I take for granted.

So I'm trying to do the "Canadian Version".  I'm trying to do my on month of being thankful!

Day #7

I'm thankful!

I am thankful for Jr High events!  Tonight is the second even that Kyler has had the chance to attend.  We are very excited for him to have something to go to.

It was hard being that "inbetween" family at churches we had attended before.  Our kids were too big for the little kid group, but too little for the big kid group.  Thankfully, we have found a church that is working on making their Jr. Highs included and we love it.

Tonight Kyler is going out to a DOXA event and he is excited.  It helps that today is a PA day and that he also didn't have school.

I'm thankful for a church that has things for my kids to do.

October 6th - A Month to be Thankful!

There is this fad... every November it seems like everyone on my Facebook feed is becoming ever so thankful.  They post things they are grateful for.  And I love reading them.  It's so nice to see people who are thankful for some of the things I take for granted.

So I'm trying to do the "Canadian Version".  I'm trying to do my on month of being thankful!

Day #6

I'm thankful!

I'm thankful for pizza day at my school. 

Not just my school, but my kids school and my place of work/volunteer.  I love my school.  The staff there are amazing.  The kids are very cool.  It is a wonderful place to be.

Today is Pizza Day.  This day is always crazy.  It starts with a crazy amount of kids bringing forms down to the office and delivering the bags.  Then it means my friend and I sort the money and forms all morning, and most of the afternoon.  After that we go shopping and we get the juice and cookies and order the pizza. 

Today is the big day.  We have all the forms sorted and money counted by now.  And now we get everything ready to go to the classrooms.  We fill the bags with supplies, figure out how many pizzas, plus or minus slices, need to go to each room. 

Then the craziness begins.  Our pizza is delivered by 11am or so.  We just go go go!  We can get the pizzas and bags out to each room before too long.  I'm always impressed with how well we do.  Most of the time there isn't a problem. 

Today, I'm thankful for pizza day, as it means we didn't have to prepare lunches!!

October 5th - A Month to be Thankful!

There is this fad... every November it seems like everyone on my Facebook feed is becoming ever so thankful.  They post things they are grateful for.  And I love reading them.  It's so nice to see people who are thankful for some of the things I take for granted.

So I'm trying to do the "Canadian Version".  I'm trying to do my on month of being thankful!

Day #5

I'm thankful!

I'm thankful for my water bottle.  Silly I know but I love it!  Last year for my birthday, my parents got me an Amazing mop!  Oh... and a S'well water bottle.  It is fantastic.

If you have one you understand!

I didn't really use mine until this summer.  I was camping with my parents during a heat wave (AKA the whole summer) and my mom would fill up her S'well water bottle with ice and some water and she would have it ALL day.  So when we were packing for our trip to Disney I decided to put it in.  Best choice ever.  It kept my water cold.  And I mean COLD all day long!  I love it!

I'm still using it ever day.  In fact for my birthday I asked for an ice maker (along with a blender or food processor and GC's to AdditionElle) so that I could fill it with ice in the morning and have cold water all day.  It is wonderful!  Not only do I get cold water but I actually drink it.  I fill up my cup a lot.  I'm getting my daily requirement of water, and more. 

I'm thankful for my S'well water bottle!

October 4th - A Month to be Thankful!

There is this fad... every November it seems like everyone on my Facebook feed is becoming ever so thankful.  They post things they are grateful for.  And I love reading them.  It's so nice to see people who are thankful for some of the things I take for granted.

So I'm trying to do the "Canadian Version".  I'm trying to do my on month of being thankful!

Day #4

I'm thankful!

I'm thankful for my parents.  They are amazing!  My parents have been so supportive, no matter what crazy stuff I do with my life. 

I'm even more thankful that today, "oh so many years ago" my parents were born!  That's right.  Mom and Dad have the same birthdate.  How cool is that?

I'm thankful my parents are around to see my kids, my family and my life.  My parents are incredible grandparents and make a point of making sure my babies are well taken care of and loved.

I'm thankful for my fantastic parents.

October 3rd - A Month to be Thankful!

There is this fad... every November it seems like everyone on my Facebook feed is becoming ever so thankful.  They post things they are grateful for.  And I love reading them.  It's so nice to see people who are thankful for some of the things I take for granted.

So I'm trying to do the "Canadian Version".  I'm trying to do my on month of being thankful!

Day #3

I'm thankful!

I'm thankful for health care.  After Arnold's accident two years ago I could never have imagined the costs of having him in the hospital.  Arnold was in and out of the hospitals, never ending doctors appointments, seeing specialists, lawyers appointments and phone calls all over the place.

Even today.  We are going to another doctors appointment... 2 years later!  How crazy is that.  We are still checking on his health and making sure he is ok.  Thankfully, any problems we have had he is doing better and seems to be continuing in that direction.

I'm so thankful for health care in Canada, and for God's grace in keeping my husband safe.