Monday, February 1, 2016

From my journal

Today is the day.  

Today is the day that 3 years ago we buried our son. 

Today is the day that is almost as hard for me as the day he died.


Today I'm going to share from my journal.  I got this journal in the hospital.  And while I haven't written in it a lot this is from one of my first journal entries.

Dec 1st 2012

"...It meant it was all over.  ARnold was by my side the entire time.  His eyes never left mine.  We cried, hugged, talked and exchanged 'I love you''s.  Eventually we decided we needed some time time before seeing our son.  We also needed a name!  We slept for about an hour then began our crazy day.

Arnold texted my mom and dad who were home with our boys and told them.  They began getting ready to come over. 

Arnold and I took our time meeting our boy.  Arnold saw him first.  He held him for a few minutes.  He was so small.  No bigger than one of Arnold's hands.  Arnold put him back down and came to me and we cried and cried and held each other.  Arnold prepared me for what my sweet boy looked like and when we were ready I had the nurse bring him to me.

Arnold held me and I held our baby. 

Our sweet little boy was so small.

They had him wrapped so only his face was showing.  His Boyd and head were so small that the hat he was wearing was way too big for him.  He had the sweetest "old man" face.  His Boyd hair was so with it looked like a must ash and big eyebrows.  He had the "Leverton turn up nose" that my sister has.  His eyes weren't open and with that he sort of looked like he was pouting or angry or upset.  Heck, I would be too!  

What a baby he was.  We were so full of hope, promise and plans for our baby.  All of those were taken from us in just under a week.  It's so hard to believe sometimes.

When I was holding my son I just wanted the world to stop.  I wanted all the time with him.  To know every detail of my boy but I couldn't.  

I kept telling myself that he wasn't there.  My baby was in heaven with God.  He was happy, healthy and in the best possible place he could be.  It may not feel like it now but he was.   Our little boy was in heaven, in Jesus's arms and meeting all of his family up there..."