Thursday, February 28, 2013

Monthly Review ~ Februrary

I was hoping to start one of these every month but January was just a bit insane for this.

Lets see.. Our February went something like this:

We had our service for our son, Otis, on Feb 1st.  It was hard to do but so wonderful to have so many friends and family around.  Arnold's family came from Alberta, and some of our friends came from Toronto, and our family came from everywhere.  We are so blessed to have support from so many people.

Arnold's parents and brother left on Sunday and we headed back to Toronto on the Monday.  The little boy who I did daycare for, his grandfather passed away.  So we went to the visitation to show our support to his mom and dad, and meet their sweet little girl!

That week I tried hard to "jump" back into things.  I wanted to get life as normal as we could.  Not only did we have a short week but we went right into Chinese New Year at school. 

We found out a few things about Kyler and school.  He had a grade 8 bullying him at school and Kyler fought back... by punching him.  So we had to address this.  As well as anything going on since losing Otis.  We decided to seek some help and were able to get into a "Crisis Event Therapy" waiting list.  (We just got the call a few days ago booking K in for a session with them March 6th).

I helped out in Quinton's class as much as possible.  Q's teacher, Mr. B., had jury duty and we had subs all week.  Different ones almost each time and was hard on the kids to not have a regular person.  I was there every day for most of Feb.  I would help with the subs, and what needed to be done, and help with the work that needed to get done.  It was an adventure.  Even more so as February is one of the "busiest" months for a teacher.  There is Groundhog Day, Chinese New Year, 100's Day of School, Valentine's Day and finally a bit of calm!

On Family Day Weekend Arnold had asked for a day to himself.  So we made sure to buy everything he wanted and try to have a day off for him.  But plans changed when the boys attitudes got bad.  Instead of going to visit our friends the boys had nap times.  VERY much needed for them. 

We did get to do something fun.  We built a ladder for the boys bunk bed.  They have never had one (and we have had this bunk bed since before Q was born) so this was a new request.  We got the wood, measured it out and went to work.  The boys had alot of fun:

The boys were back to school on the Tuesday and back into the swing of things.  We had Church Photos, a friend's birthday and some serious clothing shopping that weekend.  And Sunday was a nice church day and some relaxing.

In all this time we have also had eye appointments for me and the little boys (and my brother); dentist appointments for the Visser family; a blood pressure appointment for me; a doctors appointment for Arnold; and a hospital visit.  It's been a busy month! 

I've really enjoyed being our "family".  Slowly, I am learning to enjoy my family the way it is.  With my 2 incredible, helpful, amazing boys here on earth to drive me crazy and knowing we have 2 wonderful babies in heaven watching over us.

Every month things will get easier, become more adventurous and begin to thrill me more.  For now, it's learning our new norm.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I'm Happy, I promise, but sometimes....

Let me start this post by saying I am happy.  I am generally happy 6 out of  7 days a week.  I have my moments where I feel like life sucks, but so does everyone else.  But generally, I'm happy.

I'm happy with my life.  I'm happy with where it's going.  I'm (mostly) happy with my kids attitudes.  I'm happy with my husband.  I'm happy.

But sometimes....

Last night I went to Aqua fit.  I had been 2 weeks ago for Aqua Fit.  The pool was cold and it wasn't the best time.  My friend and I were cold so we got out early.  Instead of 2 sessions we did 1 (we normally do 1 round 2 times). 

This week we had a bit warmer water and it was fun.  I really enjoyed being back in the pool.  I got to visit with my friend K.  K has been doing aqua fit with me for a while.  We are around the same age (I think she is about 3 years older than me).  She is a kindergarten teacher in the GTA and is alot of fun!  She has a daughter, H, and her hubby, C.  They are so nice.  I finally met them this weekend while shopping! 

Anyway when I first started Aqua Fit I was one of the only "young" women.  K and I had alot of fun.  We would visit about our kids and how things were going.  The next "youngest" lady was about 60 or so.  When we were pregnant with Baby Casey telling K was something I was SO excited about.  And the same with Otis. 

And when we knew we were done, forever, I told K.  She was so supportive.  She and her hubby had been trying as well and she said they were done.  (We had both been trying at the same time)  It sounds silly but knowing I could go to Aqua Fit and have it be the only place I was "safe" from babies was great!  I LOVE it! 

Well last night as we were leaving K made a comment and I stopped and looked at her and went "Oh my gosh, you are pregnant!".  She smiled and said yes.  Then proceded to tell me how sorry she was and that this wasn't the right time to be telling me and how she just didnt' want this to be happening like this.

Then it hit me.  People are scared/afraid to tell me things.  Esp when they have to do with babies.

People... I AM OK! 

I spent about 45 minutes telling my good friend how happy I was; how excited I am; how I can't wait to meet this little one inside and how wonderful a mother she will be to her 2 kids.

Then, no lie, I went home and cried in my husbands arms.

I am happy.  I am.  I am so happy that a family is getting the chance to have another baby.  K and her hubby have tired for almost 2 years. This is a wonderful thing for her. 

But for me.  I'm still adjusting.  It's hard to have my one "non baby" outlet invaded.  Will I be happy when I see her again, hell yes!  Will I be excited for this baby, oh yes!  Will I wish it was me, no.

We are done.  We are done having our own flesh and blood babies.  And we are ok with this.

Will I be sad sometimes?  yes.  Yes.... yes.

But please.  Don't "protect me".  I will not be able to go through life without seeing another baby, without a friend being pregnant, without things like this happening.  It's totally normal and I am totally ok with it.

I am happy.  I promise!  But sometimes I just need to be a little sad.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Marriage Mondays ~ Notes of Love

Most, if not all, of these Marriage Mondays will be coming from my point of view.  It's hard to get my hubby to sit down and write something out.  Sometimes things you dream about never happen.  Kidding.  I've actually never dreamed about him writing it my blog.  It would almost be like an invasion of my "world". 

One of the things we learned at our weekend was how to get things done around the house.  They related it back to having children and getting them to do things.  One of the suggestions was to get things done was to put post-it notes across the TV.  Or anywhere that your child spends alot of time.  Have the child complete each post-it note and remove it from the screen. Once they are all removed the child may watch TV or do whatever they wanted. 

When *I* heard this my reaction was "Heck yes!  I could SO use this for K and Q".

But.. when Arnold heard this, it translated into something completely different.

Part of the reason for the Post-it notes was to have the child to complete task when you couldn't be there to walk them step by step.  When you, giving commands, right after each other, isn't possible you could use the Post-it notes.

Arnold took this to heart. 

A few weeks ago all of us were around the kitchen table and the boys were having special pops upstairs.  I wanted my normal diet coke but it was in the basement.  Instead of the boys getting it, Arnold volunteered.  And here's what I got:

Ever since then I've been enjoying being told "you are my sunshine" from my husband and from my youngest son.  Quinton saw how happy I was to get that note and how it's displayed on my fridge.  Now Quinton has taken to writing it everywhere: in the snow; on a window (so you have to breath on it to find the note); on paper from school.  Pretty much everywhere now. 

Another example of how my husband has used post-it notes was just last week.  I had the WORST morning ever.  Things just kept going wrong.  I smashed my foot, didn't have clean clothes, forgot my bp meds and had to go back to the basement, came upstairs to a DIRTY kitchen and laundry overflowing.  It was so frustrating.

I didn't want to have anything to do with my husband that day.  I was mad that he hadn't moved the weight I smashed my foot into.  I was mad that my brother didn't unload the dishwasher... which meant my husband didn't load the dishwasher.  I was mad that Arnold didn't take the time to unload and load the dishwasher.  I was mad that the pots and pans I had used to "slave" over dinner the night before weren't washed (an Arnold job).  I was mad.  I was just completely mad.

Arnold knew it.  He knew there was NOTHING he could to do make me happy that morning.  He even tried loading the dishwasher but he was loading things I had already unloaded and knew needed to be hand washed not put back in again.  He was at a loss.

So as my husband left for work he left me some love notes.  I found this one as I was getting the kids ready for school:

It was so sweet.  I really did smile.

My day got better at school and when I came home with Q and my daycare girl.  I always check the mail and today I got the best thing ever:

It was perfect.  Arnold knew just how to tell me what he wanted to (ie that he loves me and that I'm amazing) even though I wasn't ready to hear it in the morning.

I'm always surprised how I can take one thing (post-it notes for your children to do jobs) and my husband can take it and turn it into something totally different (leaving me love notes around the house).

Today, take a few minutes and leave a love note for your better half.  Tell them something you want them to know.  For some help, something like... I love you; You are amazing; I'm in love with you; Thank you for being you; Take your clothes off..... well that may lead to something TOTALLY different!

Monday, February 18, 2013

Happy Family Day!!

Happy Family Day! 

Today instead of having a Marriage Monday post I'm going to be spending some time with my family!  Have a wonderful day spending time with the people you love!
I will be spending it with these handsome men!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day

From The Visser Family

Monday, February 11, 2013

Marriage Mondays ~ Spend A Little Time On Him

Last week I wrote about connecting with your husband.  It may not have been the perfect post but that's ok.

This week I wanted to talk about Spending a Little Time On Him.  I'm not sure about you but lately I've been alot more "me, me, me, me, and oh yeah, ME".  So spending time on my husband was hard!  It's not that I didn't want to or that I couldn't, just that I had to make an effort.

Arnold has been so sweet since our weekend away.  He even popped a card in the mail about 4 days after we got home.  It told me how thankful he was that I went away with him for the weekend and how much fun he had getting to know me.

Now all at once ladies "awwwwwww"  That's right.  So how do I return the love to him?  How do I spend some time on him?

I got the chance on Friday (Jan 25th).  Arnold had done me a favour by taking Kyler to the community centre and was late leaving for work.  It meant he was going to be late getting home as well.

Then when he got to work he had a conference text with Germany and some "holy crap" projects to work on, a few top priorities things that had to be done and just way too much.  I was asked "What'd I do this morning to deserve a mess when I got to work?"  Talk about heartbreak.  How do you tell your husband, "nothing, it's all everyone else's fault".  Instead my response was "Nothing sweety.  It's just hard sometimes. Hopefully moving things around with release dates and stuff will be easier from now on.  I'm praying for you, love.  Sometimes days are just hard." 

Notice something? 

"I'm praying for you"  I"m praying for him.  And right then and there I was praying for him.  I was praying his day would get better, his mind would be a bit more at ease and he would be able to relax.

I started a random search online for things to do for your husband.  I was reading the ideas and came up with one.  Have a nice night for your husband and then it came to me...

I made my husband an "evite".  It emailed to him with an invitation to a "Happy Hour" party. 

Here's what it said below:

Message from Host

You are invited to at least 1 hour of your own doing.  Tonight from 8:30 until 9:30pm you can do as you want with yourself and the house (and those in it).  If for some reason we are out past 8:30pm tonight with the boys this will begin as soon as we get home.

Your Cider and a cool cup will be waiting for you. 

Some ideas are a bath, a movie, a game on the Wii/Xbox, or just some time snuggling on the couch, or more... in bed :) 

Your Sexy Wife

His response:  YES!  Wouldn't miss it.

What did we end up doing...

Once the boys got to bed I poured my hardworking husband a cider (he loves Strongbow) in a chilled glass (yes ladies, I thought ahead enough to put his favourite cup in the freezer).  I turned off all the unnecessary lights and got some moisturizer.  I got 2 blankets and set a pillow on the floor.  When he had finished reading a bedtime story to the boys I sent him to the washroom to change into his PJ pants and fresh white t-shirt and his favourite hoodie. 

When he came out I asked what movie he wanted to watch.  I kinda expected a Dr. Who episode, but thankfully those are done until March.  Instead he had been bantering back and forth with a guy at work today about Monty Python movies, so we ended up watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  Let me tell you, Arnold and I have COMPLETE differences on movies like that.  Yes, I've seen them (thanks to the "Dave's" in high school) but do I like them...  no.  They are not my cup of tea at all.  So this was a "sacrifice" for me.  Arnold really enjoys them so we watched it.  I sat on the floor on the pillow and rubbed his feet while he watched it.  Who knew Arnold would like his feet being rubbed that much?  A foot rub turned into a shoulder and neck and upper arm rub, then moved into a back massage.  Once that was done I helped him put his shirt and hoodie back on, rubbed his back a bit then changed spots (by this time I had moved onto the couch for the back rub and he was on the floor).

Arnold got comfy on the couch and I pulled out the electric fondue pot and the last cheese container we had and some bread Arnold had bought the day before (expecting us to use it Thursday).  We had our own loafs and we ate up the cheese fondue. 

Then I put it away, gave him something else to drink and left him alone.  I didn't interrupt him for things that weren't important.  This is key, I let him have his space, in his "nothing" box.  Notice how some of the "nothing" boxes look like a box?  (This was pointed out at the retreat).  The TV is a nothing box, the XBOX is a nothing box, the bed is a nothing box.  Most of his boxes are actual boxes!

I read some of my book and checked up on the Internet and let him have an evening to himself.  We went to bed shortly after 10pm.  I had him go get in bed and I closed up the house (normally the other way around).  When I got downstairs he was almost asleep.... almost :)

I realize spending an evening with your husband may not be the easiest thing for you but sometimes it pays off.  This morning I got some snuggle time, sleeping in, boys out of the house for the morning, walkway shoveled and he even did some laundry!  What a blessing my husband is.

Oh and the best part... I found a few days later that hubby was bragging to his friends at work.  He showed them his invite to his own happy hour!  Yes!  I did something brag worthy at work!  This makes me happy.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Victory... in small doses

Today was... well a victory.  A small victory but one none the less.

Today I made it to church, without my parents supporting me and sneaking me in at last minute and out before the service was over. 

Today I made it to church in one piece.

I faced alot of people.  Not that I was afraid of them but more worried about what their reactions would be.  I had a wonderful friend come and sit and chat with me while we were waiting for church to start.  It was nice to know that a bunch of people weren't going to come up and give me the "How aarrreeee you, really?" thing (which I got later).

Then once church was over I had to do something hard.  I know it sounds funny but once church has started the odds that people are going to come up to you and how are things are going is slim to nil.  But after church it's a free-for-all feeling.  I had to go into the fellowship hall.  Not that there is anything wrong but I got the collective "all eyes on who enters in now and go, oh yeah.. awe poor girl" and get those sad looks.  Not fun.

We made some quick stops on the way home and I made lunch (ie microwave what we got from M&M's).  The boys went out to shovel and play.  Mainly shovel around the back wall in case everything melts and our basement floods we want to try and narrow out the chances it's coming from there (good thing the wood is still under everything in the basement).

Arnold and I did some grocery shopping and when I told Arnold to get into a line he got into the express 1-16 items line... which he didn't notice until we were like 2 people away... then I got the "talk" from the cashier, to which I responded... yes I know.  my husband picked the line!  And she was quiet.

We got home and had the boys come in and one had an accident in his pants/snow pants/socks/boots (for any mothers reading... think JUST WASHED snow pants ect).  And the other one came in with a rip in his snow pants and them all soaking wet from playing (but means no putting them in the dryer until sewed up so that the rip doesn't happen more!).

While I fixed the pants and did the laundry Arnold got dinner ready.  Microwaved our Chinese Food for Chinese New Year.  We ate and watched an episode of the boys newest tv show (home improvement).  Then Arnold headed out (Jack had left before for a meeting at work - congrats to my brother.  1 year ago he went to this meeting to "meet" everyone and now he is going for his 1 year!!).

I had the boys clean up, do reading homework (for both), clean out lunch bags (EWWW), and help them sign valentines for everyone they know (or so it feels like).  I guess 4 boxes of 16 that were on sale last year wasn't enough... to bad!

FINALLY it was bed time!  I even got 2 more loads of laundry done, cleaned up and did 20 minutes on the treadmill...

Victory is mine!  In small doses.

Onto the next week!

Monday, February 4, 2013

Marriage Monday ~ Connecting with Your Husband

First off I want to say, I am NO expert.  At all.  Not even in things I want to pretend I am.  I still refer to people, the Internet, my mom, other parents and most of all God and the Bible for most of my information.  It could be anything from needing help with my laundry (mom) to what to do about my kids in school (other parents).  But I do NOT claim to be an expert.  At all.

Now with that being said:

I've thought about this for a while and thought it was time to start doing something semi regular in my blog.  These Marriage Mondays may seem out of date compared to when you read them, and they most likely are.  I've completed some of these things in the month before I have posted it on the blog.  Not only does it give me some time to get caught up but it gives me some time to see how things went.

Today's topic, Connecting with Your husband.

I thought I was connected with my husband.  Completely.  Totally.  I knew what he wanted, when he wanted it and how he wanted it... but I was SO wrong.

My husband went to a men's retreat a few months ago at Muskoka Bible Centre.  When he was there the centre was beginning their "push" for the marriage weekend.  Arnold came home thinking, hey, this could be fun!  He wanted to try it.  I was about 4 months pregnant with Otis.  I told him if he wanted to do it he was going to have to find childcare and we were going to have to use our birthday money to pay for it.  He was all on board, so that meant I was as well.

When we were in the hospital just before Otis was born I was telling Arnold to cancel.  Cancel it now, and see if we could get our money back.  There was *no* way we could have a preemie and go away for the weekend.  I just couldn't do it. 

After Otis passed away we chose to use this weekend as our weekend to "check in" with each other.  Jan 18th-20th was about 2 months from when I went into the hospital so it was a good time to check in and see how we were doing.  We wanted to  use this time as a chance to exchange gifts with each other and to see how we were both doing.  Away from the kids. 

This meant it was our first time being away from the kids as well...  Arnold's childcare was changed from my parents to my brother (thank you Jack!).  We have never gone away with just the 2 of us since we got married almost 9 years ago.  So really, truly this was perfect time to go away.

Back to the weekend...

We headed out Friday around 3pm.  We quickly did some running around and were on the road.  We stopped in Orillia for supper.  It was lightly snowing when we went in.  You know those cute flakes?  Well when we came out about a half hour/hour later it was all over the car and we went from driving 110Km/h on the highway to driving more like 85km/h if we were lucky.  It was bad. 

Now for those who know me I'm not one for driving in bad weather.  I hate it.  HATE it.  I know I know it's not that bad, cars are safe, ect.  But I just don't like it at all.  So to pass the time and help me relax Arnold and I talked about random things.  Really completely random things.

We got to MBC just in time to sign in (7pm) and find our room.  Arnold parked the car and we dropped everything off.  We were in this little motel room.  Queen bed, 2 night side tables, a tall table, a 3 piece bathroom and a comfy chair.  It had sliding doors at the back of the motel room and a view of the lake.  So beautiful.

We got all the things in from the car and then headed out for snacks.  We got something to drink, some cookies and then went to session #1.

Our speakers were Bill and Pam Farrel.  They were great.  I really did enjoy their sessions.  The worship team was incredible.  JUST what I needed this weekend.  The first session was giving us a overview of their book (Men are like Waffles Women are like Spaghetti).  And kinda going into the differences. 

Men think like Waffles... the Waffle is a box.. .every box is something else.  And as Bill explained it, when men get older they can travel from box to box faster, which makes them look like they are multi tasking.  There are different boxes.  There is the "Nothing" box (where they are thinking nothing), the "Happy" box (could be sports, something they enjoy), the "Bingo" box (sex), the "Children" box (each kid has a box including things like what they like, age, ect), the "Budget" box, the "Jobs Around The House" box, ect.

Women think like Spaghetti.  If you put a piece of spaghetti on a plate you see it winds and curls and connects/touches almost every other strands.  Everything we think is connected.  For example you might start a conversation like "At work today my friend called and asked me to go for coffee.  So we went to this little shop down the road that has those cute curtains.  They remind me of the ones in Sue's house.  You know in the spare room?  They have those yellow and purple together.  You know, yellow and purple dont' always look good together.  I'm more of a yellow and blue kind of girl.  but not that yellow like the sun, more like yellow like gold.  And blue like the sky.  They look good together.  I really think Brad and Tyler look good together, don't you think?  Such a cute couple.  And those pictures they took this summer.  I wonder if that photographer could do our photos, maybe couple ones?  We haven't had our own photos done since our wedding."  As you can see this conversation connect everything from Work - friends - coffee- shop- curtains - Sue's house - spare room - colours - gold - blue - together - friends - photos - ect....  To a girl it's a normal train of thought.  To a guy this is so confusing... a million different boxes!

Anyway... we learned about how to communicate with each other.  It was really a great session.  That night we went back to our room and exchanged our "Christmas" gifts with each other.  Arnold got me this shirt I wanted.  REALLY wanted.  But I just couldn't do it.  So Arnold went back to the store and bought it for me!  I got him a years worth of dates.  Every month we are going somewhere different.  And it ensures we actually GO/DO something.

Over the weekend we learned more about how to communicate within our marriage (small talk, thought sand ideas, opinions and convictions and emotional connections), how to be a great listener, having safe words with each other for fights, freaking out, how to deal with stress in your home, how we are motivated, how to resolve conflict (since we each do it differently), how to approach conflict, how to forgive, and how to romance each other (again). 

Each time we had a break at the camp we would talk with each other about what we learned and what we thought.  On the way home we had 3-4 hours of talking about what we had learned.  It was our way to re-connect with my husband.  We talked about the past, the present and what we thought about for our future.  It was fantastic.  I loved having time to find out more about my husband. 

I challenge you to ask your husband, what are his favourite "boxes"?  Find out where he likes to "stay" on his waffle and remember it.  When it's a long hard day suggest a "box" to him.  Or make that box possible for him.

Connect with your husband today.  If nothing else give him 5 minutes of eye contact and listen to him.

And if at all possible, get a weekend away like we did!

Here's just a few photos from our weekend:

Is he not the most handsome man in the whole world?  I think so

Friday, February 1, 2013

Dearest Otis

Before I actually put this post out there I want you to realize this is my words, my thoughts, my feelings.  These haven't been shared with other people before and I just feel the need to put this out there.

This week I have been planning my son's Internment Service.  Let me tell you, no parent should EVER have to do this.  Ever.  This is so hard.  I think it's hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Just arranging the few things I wanted to do is heartbreaking. 

During all of this I have looked back in my journal more than once.  And I came across my letter to Otis.  I wanted to share it with you. 


My Dearest Otis,

Today marks 3 weeks since you were born.  Wow, what a change in 3 weeks.  Today.  Today was hard.  Today I go back to the hospital.  I go back to where this nightmare began, which resulted in you coming into our lives way earlier than planned.

I know that only by the grace of God, your life has touched so man.  But somehow I feel rejected by God.  I knew you longer than anyone on this earth.  I knew the moment we were pregnant.  I felt you move, grow, change.  But I never got to see you grow, change and become the man you may have become.

I guessed you were a girl, hoped you were a girl as this was our last pregnancy.  But with the problems we started having (not hearing your heartbeat on the dopplers) I had this gut feeling you were another boy.

You would be that baby brother who would be protected by his two Big Brothers.  You would be instantly loved by their friends and be taken care of by Kyler and Quinton.

The three of you would be in a constant state of mischief.  Always making me second guess quiet moments in the house and having my heart in my throught as you "busted myths" in our backyard.

You would be my fastest moving baby.  Always wanting to catch up.  You would walk sooner, talk sooner and grow up way too fast for me.

By the time you went to school you would be more than ready and for 1 year all of my boys would be int eh same school at the same time.  When you started, you would have been "Kyler and Quinton's little brother" but soon after you would own your own at school.  And I would become "Otis's Mom".

You would ride a bike so early, swim laps before teachers thought you could, reprogram the TV just by rolling on the remote as a baby and play music better than anyone.

You would have been your fathers son, in every sense.  You would have been tall, and skinny, had brown hair and looked like him (minus the Leverton nose you have like Aunt B).  You would have loved being outside, kicking the ball around with your brothers, working with your hands.  Maybe my love of music would have been shared and you would have sang or played piano.  But maybe not.

Oh, my sweet baby.  There is so much I don't know about you.  I don't know what your eye colour would have been; I don't know what your voice would have sounded like; I don't know how you would have skinned your knees the first time; what your friends would have been like; what your favourite food would have been; what your "put me to sleep" song would have been; I don't know if you would have been a "geek" like your daddy or an athlete or a musician or something totally different.

I do know something.  I know I love you.  I loved you before you were given to us.  I loved you the moment after the first pregnancy test came up positive.  I loved seeing you every time I got an ultrasound.  I loved you and your brothers every time they talked to you in my belly.  I loved feeling you dance inside.  I loved the one night Quinton talked and sang to you and you were dancing in my belly.  I love you.

When it got to the point in my hospital stay where we had to make the choice we prayed.  We prayed so hard God would make that choice for us.  God would save you from anymore pain or problems my body was causing yours and you would be safe.

I still remember the moment we were told you didnt' have a heartbeat anymore.  I praised God for not having me make a hard choice.  I thanked Him for saving you from more hurt and pain.  And I praised Him for bringing you home, where one day I will see you again in Heaven.

I remember the last time I felt you move.  It was after having my CT scan done.  They put on over 40 lbs of led gowns on my belly to keep you safe and you didn't like it.

That night you did alot of moving.  I could feel it all.  I talked to you for a bit, told you we all loved you and even sang you Kyler and Quinton's "put me to sleep" songs (Baby Beluga and Wheels on the bus).  I wrapped my arms around my belly and held you.  Slowly the moving stopped.  I'm pretty sure that's when God took you home to be with the angels and Baby Casey.

On Nov 28th around 3:30am you were born.  I hate it when people tell me you were "delivered" or just a "stillbirth" not born.  Because you were.  You were born.  While a tiny baby you were handsome.  You had the smallest nose, the cutest face and you looked wise beyond your years.  You were perfect. 

Just perfect

We miss you.  Even after 3 weeks I still have moments each day where I think of you.  Where I miss you or where your brothers ask about you.

Thanks to God's blessing of having you be a part of our lives our family is complete.  I have 4 babies.  Two are here with me and 2 are in Heaven.  What more could a mom ask for?

I love you Otis Gus Gilbert.  Now and forever and I will never forget my baby