October 15th

Today is October 15th.  A few year ago I would just tell you that it was a normal day.  The day before my birthday!  The day that I would quiz everyone and say "So... what did you get me? Do you know what a special day is tomorrow?"

Now I know what a special day it is.

October 15th is the day that I celebrate my family, with my family.  We talk about Baby Casey. 

For those of you who don't know Baby Casey came into our lives in February 2012.  We found out we were pregnant.  It was so exciting!!  We kept it quiet during a big family get together in March and we were so good about not saying anything at all!

It was so cool.  We had been working hard to get pregnant.  Arnold and I had been going to fertility treatment centers and were doing a few cycles to see how it was going and what was "wrong" with me. 

Finally we were pregnant. We were told because a blood test came back positive with them.  It was awesome!  I was SOOO glad and so excited.

We even had an ultrasound or 3 :)  We got to see the little baby.  This little tiny body forming inside my body.  My body was making another human.  How incredible my body is!

Then on the last Wednesday in March, I started spotting.  I was so scared.  We called the health center and were told that we just needed to wait it out at home. 

After more emergency appointments with our fertility doctor we found out we were losing our baby. 

I remember laying on the couch crying.  Arnold holding me and crying and crying and crying.  I told Arnold I could never do this again.  I could never lose another baby ever again.



And then our lives changed again.

We lost Otis in November 2012. 


And I will never ever be able to do this again.


As a friend of mine has been saying:

"If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower.

 If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan.

 But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child?" (from six feet under)

There isn't a name... nothing, not a single word in the English language is able to describe the pain, loss, and so many other feelings that are associated with losing a child.



Today, when you see someone who has lost a child, in pregnancy or as an infant, please give them an extra hug today.  They need it!

This is the day

Every time I hear those words I think of the song:

This is the day (This is the day)

That the Lord has made (that the Lord has made)

We will rejoice (We will rejoice)

And be glad in it (and be glad in it)

 

This is the day that the Lord has made

We will rejoice and be glad in it

This is the day.  This is the day, that the Lord has made.

This is the day.  God  made this day.  Not just this day, but the one before it, and the one that comes after it.  He made them all.

God made this day 1 year ago.  March 21st.  We found out this day that God had blessed us with a baby.  After 2 years and 8 months of infertility.  Finally, we were having a baby. 

Shortly after learning we were expecting, we had a miscarriage. 

But THIS was the day that the Lord had made.  And WE would rejoice and be GLAD in it.

Today... we are so busy.  Between a dentist appointment, follow up counseling appointments, school, swimming lessons and Zumba, I know Arnold and I will be taking a moment to remember.

This day 1 year ago, God made this day and He blessed us.  He blessed us with our little Baby Casey.

This is the day, that the Lord has made.  And We will rejoice and be glad in it.

I'm Happy, I promise, but sometimes....

Let me start this post by saying I am happy.  I am generally happy 6 out of  7 days a week.  I have my moments where I feel like life sucks, but so does everyone else.  But generally, I'm happy.

I'm happy with my life.  I'm happy with where it's going.  I'm (mostly) happy with my kids attitudes.  I'm happy with my husband.  I'm happy.

But sometimes....

Last night I went to Aqua fit.  I had been 2 weeks ago for Aqua Fit.  The pool was cold and it wasn't the best time.  My friend and I were cold so we got out early.  Instead of 2 sessions we did 1 (we normally do 1 round 2 times). 

This week we had a bit warmer water and it was fun.  I really enjoyed being back in the pool.  I got to visit with my friend K.  K has been doing aqua fit with me for a while.  We are around the same age (I think she is about 3 years older than me).  She is a kindergarten teacher in the GTA and is alot of fun!  She has a daughter, H, and her hubby, C.  They are so nice.  I finally met them this weekend while shopping! 

Anyway when I first started Aqua Fit I was one of the only "young" women.  K and I had alot of fun.  We would visit about our kids and how things were going.  The next "youngest" lady was about 60 or so.  When we were pregnant with Baby Casey telling K was something I was SO excited about.  And the same with Otis. 

And when we knew we were done, forever, I told K.  She was so supportive.  She and her hubby had been trying as well and she said they were done.  (We had both been trying at the same time)  It sounds silly but knowing I could go to Aqua Fit and have it be the only place I was "safe" from babies was great!  I LOVE it! 

Well last night as we were leaving K made a comment and I stopped and looked at her and went "Oh my gosh, you are pregnant!".  She smiled and said yes.  Then proceded to tell me how sorry she was and that this wasn't the right time to be telling me and how she just didnt' want this to be happening like this.

Then it hit me.  People are scared/afraid to tell me things.  Esp when they have to do with babies.

People... I AM OK! 

I spent about 45 minutes telling my good friend how happy I was; how excited I am; how I can't wait to meet this little one inside and how wonderful a mother she will be to her 2 kids.

Then, no lie, I went home and cried in my husbands arms.

I am happy.  I am.  I am so happy that a family is getting the chance to have another baby.  K and her hubby have tired for almost 2 years. This is a wonderful thing for her. 

But for me.  I'm still adjusting.  It's hard to have my one "non baby" outlet invaded.  Will I be happy when I see her again, hell yes!  Will I be excited for this baby, oh yes!  Will I wish it was me, no.

We are done.  We are done having our own flesh and blood babies.  And we are ok with this.

Will I be sad sometimes?  yes.  Yes.... yes.

But please.  Don't "protect me".  I will not be able to go through life without seeing another baby, without a friend being pregnant, without things like this happening.  It's totally normal and I am totally ok with it.

I am happy.  I promise!  But sometimes I just need to be a little sad.

Wait, what's that? Right... quiet!

Our lives are slowly getting into pace.  And I'm so thankful to God for that.

The first week in September Kyler and Quinton announced our "family secret". 

We are expecting.

And we are worried, scared, and frightened that after telling the boys, and our family, that something bad will happen.  I think it's something you never get past after a miscarriage.  I mean we SAW Baby Casey's "sac and egg".  There was no denying that there was a baby growing in there and every day, every hour, every minute past the miscarriage date we praise God. 

We thank him for our blessing growing inside me.  We are excited, blessed, and so happy for this little one.  Every morning and every night our little bean gets more kisses and hugs than I do!  She/He is so loved by Kyler and Quinton (not to mention mom, dad, Nana, Papa, Grandma, Grandpa, and everyone else!).

We told family and friend at the beginning of the month about this blessing from God.  We even got to show off a little photo of our bean!  My ultrasound tech was AMAZING and let me have a picture of our little one early (9 weeks and 4 days) so I could show the boys where this little one was.  And what does Quinton do with the photo?  Runs back to his teacher and goes "Look what's in my mommy's belly!!  And it's my Birthday Present!"

After that it was a free for all.  I told the girls at youth group, my friends(family) online, Arnold told his work, we told the people who we talk with all the time and everyone is excited.  We are surrounded in prayers for this little bean.  And I know, more than anything, that we are blessed. 

Kyler started school with Mrs. J.  He loves her!  He loves his class, his teacher, his friends, and the fact that things aren't *too* different from Mrs. B from last year (I will post pictures soon).

Quinton is an SK and he isn't learning much this week.  He's informed all of us after school that this first bit of school is for the JK's and not the SK's.  They aren't learning anything (haha).  He loves that he has Mr. Brown again and that his friends are with him in school.  I don't have the heart to tell him that one of his best friends will be leaving for 4 months + in a few weeks.  I'm so worried about him and how he will react.  But so far so good.

Arnold's doing alright at work.  Still getting into the grove after being gone for vacation for a week and a bit he isn't happy all the time.  But that's ok.  September seems to do this to everyone.  This weekend Arnold has headed up north with some friends from Church and is going to a men's conference at MBC.  He is excited to be going and really enjoys the speaker.

Which brings me to me :)  I'm doing ok.  So far no morning sickness, however I do have some times where I'm *sure* I'm throwing up but nope :)  Q and I had the flu last weekends so we are getting over that.  I'm enjoying my days.  I've got energy again (thank goodness) and I'm loving it.  I've volunteered in Q's class about 4 times so far this year.  It's alot of fun.  On the days I don't have Ian or Dr's appointments/ultrasounds, I'm in Mr. B's class.  I've also got an invite to help out the music teacher/librarian as well.  It's nice.  I'm enjoying helping out in the school.  I've labeled all the workbooks, the bell work, anything that goes home, stuffed mailers, got the reading folders ready for the SK's, helped with snacks, the paint centre, backed bags and unpacked bags, as well as getting anything and everything I can to make Mr. Brown's job easier.  Thankfully, it has been nice and easy and chilling out around the school.  It's fun. Really. 

Our typical day looks like this:
6am - up to pee, I swear sometimes it's earlier!
6:30am - Arnold's alarm goes off
6:45am - out of bed and upstairs
7am - News time!  and breakfast
7:30am - on days that Ian comes, he shows up around this time
8:15am - Sophia comes over
8:35am - out the door and off to school
8:50am - everyone in school (volunteering if no Ian, if Ian, come home)
11:10am - head to school to get Q and Sophia
11:30am - home and time to clean up and have lunch
12:45pm - nap time for Ian (depending on pickup times)
1pm - TV/Movie off and kids outside or downstairs to play while Ian naps
2pm - back upstairs/inside and colour/read book time
3pm - off to school to get Kyler
3:30pm - home from school and Sophia picked up
4:30pm - time to make supper!
5:30pm - Ian picked up
6pm - eat! (earlier if we can)
7:30pm - bed time!

Mondays (in October) are Aqua fit
Tuesdays (first of the month) are the C&C/Young Adult dinners
Wednesdays are youth/mens bible study/school council meetings (oh yeah, Arnold got nominated for Treasurer:P)
Thursdays are swimming (in October) or Arnold's running around day
Friday we travel (if going somewhere) or we seem to have some plans that day.  It keeps us very very busy!

Today the boys and I are home alone (as I said before Arnold is up north) so we have done some running around, cleaning, gardening, more cleaning, and had lots of fun...

Can you believe it... it's quiet!  NO WAY!  Yep... it's quiet in my house (hence the blog post).  My boys are napping.  Thank you Lord for little mercies like naps :)

My turn!  Have a great weekend!

Baby Casey ~ Pictures

When we found out we were expecting Casey I did the "normal" thing.  Freek out and then take pictures of the pregnancy test.  I finally emptied my camera and have those pictures as well as pictures of the flowers we have in honour of Casey.

A family from church brought us a meal and some tulips.  Also as soon as Arnold found out what was going on he called the church and asked if we could get an Easter Lily in Casey's honour.  And we did.  When Arnold went to pick it up he was told to take more since some people didn't get theirs.  We took 2 home with us and they are now in our Baby Casey Garden out front.  I just couldn't pick one or 2 pictures so you have been forwared there are ALOT of photos.

Today I was told that my Beta levels are down to 13.  I'm finally getting back to a "normal" state.  I do plan on blogging at least one more post on Baby Casey and my miscarriage.  I want others out there to know what it was like to go through and that there is hope, even if I"m in tears when someone asks how I am doing.

Thank you for all your love and support.

Here are the flowers:























































And Baby Casey's Garden: We are hoping to get a stone for the garden. I haven't found anything "perfect" but I"m still looking.

Just not ready, yet

I'm sitting here on the couch blogging while my family is getting ready for church. I'm just not ready, yet.

I'm not ready to "face the world" as some people call it. I'm just not ready to see so many babies in one place. I'm just not ready to see friends/family-like-people yet. I don't know why but I'm not ready.

I posted on a website I'm on about how I'm not ready. I'm almost scared to go and do these things. A friend, who has been through this before said, "It's normal Mir. I'm glad you are mourning the loss. You need to. It's ok to tell people that you are NOT fine too." I guess that is not something I'm "ok" with.

I'm not someone who tells people I'm NOT fine. I just don't do that.

Last night we went to a friends house for dinner. They have a 2.5year old (Melody) and a 2 month old (David). It was so nice to be out with them visiting and chatting. And to be honest this was the first time I've seen other people that know what is going on. I got a huge hug from Stephanie when I got there and then I held David. This was the first time I've held a baby since losing Casey. I teared up almost right away. He is so cute, and so little and just so sweet!

I won't lie, I had to bite my tongue to not have a full blown tear fest.

When we got home last night, and the boys were in bed, things put away and Arnold and I were finally in bed I cried. Arnold held me while I cried and I realized no matter how much I pretend I'm ok, I am not ok.


I am not ready to do everything I want. I am not ready to be at church; I am not ready to be working in the nursery; I'm not ready to see friends from church. I am just not ready.

I am just not ready, yet.

But I will be. I know God will give me the graces to be ready. I will be ready to do everything I did before with more love, excitement and joy but until then please just bare with me.

Baby Casey

Our family now consists of a new baby. Baby Casey.

We found out that we were expecting a new baby into our family in March. It was a shock. We have been trying to have baby #3 for years. And I do mean years. In fact this cycle made it 2 years and 7 months of "planned" trying. As Arnold and I absorbed the idea of having a new baby we were overjoyed to have finally succeeded with making another child.

For those of you who don't know this baby was a long time coming. Not only have we been officially trying for so long but we have also started to do follow ups with a fertility doctor. I got a referral in September for Arnold and I to go and see a fertility specialist. We did. She was great. We did a cycle observation which included blood test, internal and abdominal ultrasounds every 2 days after CD (Cycle Day) #3. This went on until I ovulated and then we came back to see her the next cycle. I also had a biopsy and another test. Arnold went through some tests as well.

Once our cycle was done we knew how to progress from there. It took alot of prayer and thought and we chose a course of action. Not only did that take some time but it was a lot of worry and prayer to figure out what to do and what to sacrifice. So this positive pregnancy test was so incredible! I was in shock! I couldn't believe it. It took me a bit to handle and then to realize this was true! WOW! A baby!! We were due in November. What a great birthday gift for Arnold!

We went through a few weeks of not telling anyone. I did my best to be quiet to those who we see/know in real life (in other words the news was out to my online family). I did, however, tell a few people. The girl leaders of youth group since we were on a weekend away and I wasn't feeling 100%, the youth pastor as he is trying to find a possible new youth leader, the Sr. pastor so that he could think of someone else to help out in the nursery and one of the children's education leaders to let her know what was going to happen in the nursery.

The last Wednesday in March I was at youth group. I started to spot and freaked out. I went home. I told one of the leaders and she assured me that they would be praying for me. We called TelaHealth and was told to basically sit at home and wait it out. If there was any pain, problems or major concerns to call them back and they would call ahead to the hospital and get me in.

By Thursday afternoon the spotting stopped. I did alot of praying while laying on my back. I know that spotting happens. Heck! It happen with me when I was pregnant with Quinton. Still it was concerning a bit. I trusted that everything was ok and did my best to do pretty much nothing for the rest of the week, with what I could re-arrange.

Sunday morning I told the children's education leader at church and began to set up people to take over the nursery for me. I really just need to "plan". I'm a total planner! On the way home from church I knew something was wrong. I just could feel it. I went into the house and while I was going to the washroom Arnold was getting the boys prepped to be left with Uncle Jack while Arnold and I planned on going to Costco. About an hour, hour and a half round trip. I got out of the washroom and Arnold could see the panicked look on my face. We got in the car and I told him I was bleeding. Not spotting but full out bleeding. It was horrible.

I was so worried and so scared that I asked him to bring me to the hospital. So he did. Arnold dropped me off at emerg and went to Costco in hopes that if we could get 2 different things done at the same time and be home then we wouldn't have to tell my brother what was going on.

After 2 hours in emerg I texted Jack and told him I wasn't feeling well so we went to the hospital. Since Jack didn't have to work he was ok watching the boys. We waited, and waited, and waited. In fact 6 hours later we finally saw a doctor. She said my blood work was a bit behind where it should be but generally seemed ok. And since I was so early in the pregnancy (I would have been 6 weeks and 3 days) that she didn't expect to see anything on the cart ultrasound kit the have in the hospital. And she couldn't. She set me up with an ultrasound for 2 days from then to go to their clinic upstairs and get a better look. 2 days. I had to wait 2 days! Arnold and I picked up pizza and went home. I had 2 days to wait.

I woke up in the morning bleeding more than I thought and I freaked. I started crying telling Arnold I didn't want to move. If laying on the couch could save this baby I wasn't going to get up for anything, at all. Arnold called into work and told his boss what was going on. They wouldn't expect him until Wednesday and hoped things would go ok for us. We told Jack that we were pregnant so he knew what was going on.

I called our fertility doctor and they got us in for an ultrasound at 11:30am. Arnold and I picked up Q quickly from school. Mrs. F, his teachers aid, packed him a snack and some extra cookies and sent us on our way. We went to the appointment. I had an ultrasound (drank enough for that before we went) and then blood work and saw the dr. She told us that there was a sac and a yoke! We were so happy. A baby was in there. She did say that the baby was measuring 5 weeks. By then we should have been 6 weeks and 4 days. But a week behind isn't out of the ordinary for us. And with my crazy cycles this could be ok. We were just happy. I was sent home to rest, take a progestrone(sp) drug, and come back in a week to see her again and do blood work and an ultrasound. We got home and I took my position on the couch.

Arnold got Kyler from school and everyone was ok with "Mommy's tummy ache" and me being on the couch alot. On Tuesday Arnold went back to work. I talked to Jack about how things were going and that he didn't have to worry about moving out before the baby came. We have such a huge room in the basement that we can fit the baby in there for a while and not have any problems with that. I did alot of resting on the couch and chilled out.

When I went to get the boys from school I stopped and talked to a girl who lives on our street. I got her to walk Kyler home for me the next day since I knew it might be a bit crazy to walk down and back if I was to be on bedrest'ish.

Wednesday morning I woke up cramping and bleeding badly. I was so scared. I called the office and they got me in with the dr at 11:15am. Arnold stayed home with me. We went and picked up Q early (Mrs. F also packed another great snack for Q) and we headed off to the office. I did an ultrasound, blood work and talked to her. I was alot calmer then. I asked questions about what was going on with the baby (the sac was slowly moving down the wall, not always a bad thing but generally not a good thing) and I asked what would happen if the numbers were lower. What happens for a miscarriage and what do we do next.

We went home and Arnold booked it out of there quickly. He had his review at work at 2pm and had to get there fast. Q and I chilled at home. The Fertility clinic called the house around 2:30pm and told me we were losing the baby. My betas went from over 7000 on Monday to 5800 on Wednesday.

I cried and cried and cried. I called my mom. And instead of being able to tell her on the weekend like we had planned I told her on the phone. She knew I was upset so she said she would call back in an hour or so. When she did I was still upset and she had made arrangements in the mean time to come to Toronto. At the time I wasn't sure I could handle it but once she told me I was so relieved.

Arnold came home as soon as his review was over. He just held me and we cried. It's so hard to realize that you are attached to something, so quickly, so completely in such a short time. The bond that God has created between Mother and Child is just amazing.

Needless to say it was a rough few days. With having what felt like contractions and bleeding and just not feeling 100% I was ready for things to be done. I remember telling Arnold there was no way I could do this. There was no way I could ever do this again. I can't lose a baby. My heart is broken and there is nothing that can fix it. Sometime between then and now I feel like my heart is beginning to heal.

Knowing it's ok to cry, it's ok to be upset, and most importantly it's ok to show your emotions has helped to make this better. I do not know what kind of baby Casey would have been. I don't know if this would have been another energetic, incredible boy like my other two. Or if this child would have been our only girl. What I do know is this baby, even though their short time here with us, was loved. Oh SO much.


I have a few pictures I would like to share. However they are still on my camera so I will post them in a few days. While this post may be a "too much information" for those of you out there. I didn't write it for you. I wrote it for me. For my heart and to remember. And I wrote it for those out there who may be going through the same thing. The more you talk about a miscarriage with someone the more you find out other people had the same thing.