I wonder what...

Ever have those days when you wonder what you were doing... a day ago?  On your past birthday?  a year ago?

Sometimes I have those moments.

I started thinking I was finally "at home" with school this year and then I started to wonder... what was I doing last year at this time?

Wanna know?

I was praying.

Sure, sure.  Praying.  Easy answer right?

Seriously.  I was praying.

I remember walking to school.  The boys were so excited and I was praying as we walked down the road.  I was praying for my Mom-in-law.  I was praying for the doctors.  I was praying for my brother's there.  I was praying for my Dad-in-law.  I was praying.  Hard.

I was praying for the surgery to go well.

I was texting Jason and Chris to find out how things were going.

I was very very worried.

Eventually I was able to relax a bit.  Anything that could have happen before was done with and "we" were in surgery.  Then you wait...

I remember having talked to Annie before and making sure I could update my friends and family on FB with how things were going.  I remember slowly updating people.  And more importantly.. having more and more people praying for us.

I remember getting the text message from Jason telling me she was out of surgery and doing ok.

Then Chris texted and said the same thing.  They were going to hang out a bit more and then would let me know.

The rest of the day I remember it being much of a blur.  I was so happy that surgery had gone well.

Then came the road to recovery for Annie. 

So how unique that today she is having surgery again today.  She will be having her other breast removed.  She is so upbeat about this surgery, so happy and so excited to start this part of her journey and end another.

I am so incredibly proud to have Annie as my mom-in-law.  What an inspiring person.

Whenever I see this video it reminds me of Annie

Just not ready, yet

I'm sitting here on the couch blogging while my family is getting ready for church. I'm just not ready, yet.

I'm not ready to "face the world" as some people call it. I'm just not ready to see so many babies in one place. I'm just not ready to see friends/family-like-people yet. I don't know why but I'm not ready.

I posted on a website I'm on about how I'm not ready. I'm almost scared to go and do these things. A friend, who has been through this before said, "It's normal Mir. I'm glad you are mourning the loss. You need to. It's ok to tell people that you are NOT fine too." I guess that is not something I'm "ok" with.

I'm not someone who tells people I'm NOT fine. I just don't do that.

Last night we went to a friends house for dinner. They have a 2.5year old (Melody) and a 2 month old (David). It was so nice to be out with them visiting and chatting. And to be honest this was the first time I've seen other people that know what is going on. I got a huge hug from Stephanie when I got there and then I held David. This was the first time I've held a baby since losing Casey. I teared up almost right away. He is so cute, and so little and just so sweet!

I won't lie, I had to bite my tongue to not have a full blown tear fest.

When we got home last night, and the boys were in bed, things put away and Arnold and I were finally in bed I cried. Arnold held me while I cried and I realized no matter how much I pretend I'm ok, I am not ok.


I am not ready to do everything I want. I am not ready to be at church; I am not ready to be working in the nursery; I'm not ready to see friends from church. I am just not ready.

I am just not ready, yet.

But I will be. I know God will give me the graces to be ready. I will be ready to do everything I did before with more love, excitement and joy but until then please just bare with me.

I have a request....

I'm not really sure how to put this post into words but now that I have the "ok" to do it I will.

My family and I were at my parents house in Jan/Feb and we talked about how this was going to become the "year from hell" as one Queen so nicely put it.

Among a few other things going on in our lives we got some bad news. My Dad had to go to the doctors. It turns out his PSA numbers (prostate specific antigen) were high. This could be because of an infection, or because of cancer. Dad's doctors suggested he do a biopsy. So he did. This was the beginning of a long hard March for our family. There was the waiting and the praying that this would come back as an infection.

When Mom and Dad did go to their follow up appointment last week we got the bad news. My Dad has Prostate Cancer.

I had done some research on my own, and with the help of a friend of mine whose father has had Prostate Cancer, learned that it can be treated by using Radiation, Chemotherapy and by doing surgery.

When my parents came home from the appointment I was told that this type of cancer, because it was so aggressive in Dad, was suggested to be treated by surgery. And that Dad's surgery date is April 1st.... tomorrow.

I'm not 100% sure what else to tell people. Lately it has been something along the lines of

"My Dad has prostate cancer and will be having surgery on Friday. He found out last week and we are praying that this will cure Dad from any other cancer developing"

or

"Dad's PSA levels were high so he went to the specialist and we discovered it was cancer. He has surgery April 1st and we are praying that everything will be fine."

To be honest I'm not sure what or how much people want to know. I can tell you I have learned ALOT about Prostate Cancer, how it is treated, what happens and what the recovery from these types of surgery are like. I can also tell you that it is "weird" talking to guys and telling them to start asking that their PSA levels get tested from now on at their physicals. And how important it is to stay on top of something like this.

Generally when you tell people their responses are

"It's the most curable cancer (and it has a very high rate 90% or better if they have surgery), I'm sure he will be fine"

Or

"I have an Uncle/Dad/Cousin/Brother/ect that has it so I totally understand (which makes sense since 1 in 6 men will have prostate cancer)"

Or

"What is it?"

All those responses are valid and I, personally, love hearing about someone who has it or has been cured from it. It's such a wonderful thing to hear.

I'm writing this post to let you know what is going on. This has been *such* a big thing in our lives right now and it's hard not to share it with family, friends and those people who would support me and my family.

Right now I can tell you Daddy's surgery is April 1st at 11:20am. He has to be at the hospital in the morning. I'm not 100% sure what will happen after that.

From speaking with some friends whose close family members have had this I understand that the first few days he will be in the hospital (for Dad it will be Friday to Monday). Then home with a day nurse coming to check in on him for 2 to 3 weeks (depending on the person and their recovery rate). After that they say that your recovery time is about 8 weeks. A friend told me that her dad was doing alright before 8 weeks but was still slow to get around and in some pain. It does get better.

I am hoping that from this blog post at least 1 thing will happen.

You are a bit more educated about Prostate Cancer
You understand a bit of what is happening with our family and/or
You pray for us tomorrow.

My family (Arnold, Kyler, Quinton and I) are heading down tonight. We will be staying in a hotel to make sure Dad doesn't get sick from any of us. I'll be dropped off in the morning at Mom and Dad's place, visit for a bit and head to the hospital with Dad and Mom. I'll stay there until Dad's out of surgery. My job this weekend, as I see it, aside from visiting with my Daddy, is to be with Mom. It's been hard on all of us right now and I think that both Mom and Dad need as much prayer as possible.

If you could pray about these things that would be wonderful:

*For Dad - for his nerves, his surgery, his recovery process
*For the Doctors - for their hands to be guided and for them to remove all the cancer there
*For Mom - for her nerves, for her time with Dad during the recovery and for her well-being
*For our family - to keep us calm and allow us to take this in stride, esp for Jack who has exams this week, and next, at school
*For our extended Family and Friends - who will be praying for us daily and trying to assist Mom and Dad as much as possible

If you have any questions, ask. If I don't know the answer now I will find out for you, or help you find the answers. If nothing else this will help us be a little more aware of what another kind of cancer is out there.

Power of Prayer

Have you ever thought about the power of prayer? It means so much to some and so little to others. Some people ask for good thoughts, warm fuzzies, wishes and more and others ask for prayer.

I've been thinking about this lately, how wonderful prayer is. God can do so much when you just pray to Him. He can bless you, help you, encourage you, and so much more.

In 1st Chronicles 5:20(b) it says

He {God} answered their prayers, because they trusted in Him.

How cool is that? God answers their prayers just because they trusted in Him. What an incredible amount of trust. It's like when you used to do 'trust exercise' with people, you would close your eyese and fall backwards and hope people would catch you. God caught them. He loves them so much that He would/will do anything for you if you just trust Him.

Another favourite verse of mine is found in Matthew 17:20. It says

I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain. "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

Have you ever seen a mustard seed? A friend of mine made bookmarks for everyone in youth group once and it had a mustard seed attached at the top of the bookmark and one at the bottom. They are SMALL(about 3mm)! Just that amount of faith and you can do anything with God. Isn't that incredible?

What else I think is cool about prayer is watching it work. Sometimes no matter how hard we pray, how much we pray and how long we pray things don't happen for why or how we want but eventually it does work out for good. It's hard to see it. I remember being so upset that things weren't working out for the best with me. Eventually, looking back, I realized it wasn't ment for me.

I love watching the power of prayer work in peoples lives, weither they know it or not!

Something I love game:

I took some photos yesterday of things I love so I could pop one out here and yet I'm not sure what to use. Todays "Something I love" comes from my Mother-In-Law. When Arnold and I were dating she bought me a gift. I don't even think it was at Christmas, I think it was a *just because* gift (btw those are sometimes my favourite ones). Now every year I pull it out. I dont' always use it for what it's ment for, infact I think I have only once put a candle in there, but I love it just the same. Normally it ends up with random change, things I found around the house or recepts but it is loved just the same. When Arnold and I were talking about how we want our lives to work and how we want to celebrate things when we got married we talked about how Santa is a part of Christmas but we like things that aren't always about Santa Claus. So we thought snowman would work. After all at that time we lived in Alberta and were surrounded by snow! So these snowmen are the cutest I have ever seen.



I am blessed by music. I love music. I've been listening to Christmas music on and off for a while now and I just love it. It makes me happy. Some of those carols are just so sweet sounding and are beautiful by people who have redone them lately. Its incdreible. I am so blessed by music and the people who sing.

Puzzles, Packing and Junk food!

I know random hey?

This morning the boys and I got our rubber boots on and pulled out the umbrellas for a walk to school. We got there gave K a hug and kiss and headed home. On rain days his school lets them in right away so we just go to the door and said goodbye!

Q and I made it home just a bit wet-er than before and we jumped in the car. We headed out to a mall near by that has a Bulk Barn in it (http://www.bulkbarnfoods.com/) We were on a mission to get some junk food for me and the girls this weekend. I didn't get alot but hopefully it's enough. We started walking the rows and Q brought along our reusable bag. I would fill up something we needed/wanted and he would put it in the bag and carry it along. Eventually it got to heavy and he would just drag it. It was so cute.

We managed to get alot of junk. When I was done putting in what I needed Q got to pick something he wanted for helping out. He chose santa head jujubes. I put a few in a bag and he couldn't wait to get home and have his 'ho ho nak'.

Once we got home and in the house Q got his snack and played with them. If you are on facebook and my friend you might have noticed what I was writing. Q was playing with them. It was a family of a mom, dad, and kids who were going to the zoo and riding the tran. Eventually they fell off the train while going over a bridge (they fell off the table). Oh and my favourite was going inside something to check out the snakes and butterflys and they ended up inside my puzzle box!

Q had fun doing that while I worked on my puzzle. The last few days I have been working on my puzzle I got while at the Miko/Samko sale. It's a cute puzzle. I finally 'finished' it today. I'm missing a piece. I'm sure I'll find it somewhere. It's such a nice winter setting. I wish we had a bit of snow here. I miss it actually. It just doesn't feel like Christmas here without snow. Part of the reason I love Alberta. And I'm sure that had something to do with the fact that I was more in the Christmas mood in October there!

I got the kids to go down for their nap and I'm sure I should be packing but I'm just not ready too. I have a bit more laundry to do but I just want to relax for a bit more before rushing around. If only it worked like that always hey?

Well I will be gone for the weekend so no updating on here unless Arnold randomly thinks he should. I'm taking the camera so you can see photos of my girls later but for now please say a prayer for each of them. My girls this weekend that are going are: Skyler, Anna, Molly, Izzy and Guen. As well as myself and Sue the other leader going. Please pray that we all have fun, that there are no injuries and that we are able to take away what message God has planned for us.

Enjoy your weekend!

Pancakes!

Last night Quinton thought 4am was a good wake up call (trust me this is better than the 3am wake up the other day). Generally his wake up calls hold off until around 5:30am and that's doable.

Arnold got up with him (like normal) and went upstairs, went back to bed in Q's bed and were great until around 7am.

This is about the time I woke up and was doing my devotions and heard their conversation. Sometimes I just want to stop what I'm doing and hold it all in. They were so cute.

Their conversation went something like this:

Daddy - Kyler what do you want for breakfast?
Kyler - Pancakes!
Daddy - Pancakes?
Kyler - you know you take the milk and mix it with the mixing thing....
Daddy - I know how to make pancakes but we don't have time this morning. How about a peanut butter sandwhich?
Kyler - humm
Daddy - plus we don't have any sauce to dip it in so it wouldn't work anyways
Kyler - oh ok.

Around now I went back to my devotions laughing and thanking God that he gave me this family.

I get upstairs after finishing my devotions and Arnold has made them pancakes. They are sitting at the table eating. I go in and they are so excited about their breakfast. Kyler tells me they didn't have any sauce so Daddy let them use his "special cute little bear sauce" (AKA Honey). They were so happy.

It's moments like those that compete with a day of running around, house hunting, dealing with some emotional little boys and finishing up everything that needs to be done in the house. They make my day fun.

If you guys don't mind please say a prayer for my cousin. This morning I felt a big need to text her and see if she needed a ride home this weekend. I chose to call her later in the day to get a responce quickly. Well after talking to my mom this morning I found out that my aunt and uncle left around 2:30am and drove to up here to pick her up from the hospital. She has H1N1. Please pray her recovery is quick.