Monday, November 28, 2016

Happy 4th Birthday

S. If I never go to sleep, does that mean the 28th will never come?

Can I stay up from the 27th until the 29th and just skip that day?  No one needs to think about what happen on that day? 

Or maybe staying up that long will make it so that day had never happen?

Those painful feelings would never have been felt.  Those countless tears never cried.  That loss never felt?

Nope!  Sorry Miranda but it doesn't work that way.

No matter how late I stay up, no matter how much I try to stay calm, no matter how much I smile and say "I'm fine" that day will have happened.

4 years ago today the most amazing thing happen. I had my 4th baby.  He was to be my rainbow baby.  The baby I had dreamed about and was finally here. 

Instead of being such a happy thing it was more a huge sigh of relief and then a roller coaster of emotions.  Relief that we didn't have to make the decision between my life or the babies.  And then a roller coaster of "holy shit!  This is happening to us. Right now"

I'm not sure why I find this year so weird for me.  

Tonight, laying in bed, Arnold put his arms around me and asked if I was ready for tomorrow.  And you know what?  It's the first we have talked about Otis, for a long time.  Neither of us have talked about him to each other or to or with the boys.  We haven't done anything like that in a while.  When we picked up our Christmas tree this year Q did ask if it was Otis's birthday.  It has been our tradition to pick up our Christmas tree on his birthday, but this year it just didn't work.

After school I hope we can decorate the tree.  I know the boys have activities but I would love to decorated it as a family.

I think another reason this year is so hard for me is that our son would be in JK.  His life would now be measured by school years. It's weird looking at these kids in my class wondering.. Would Otis be doing that?  Would he be ahead or behind compared to the others?  Would he made friends?  Would he be in my classroom?  Sometimes watching the kids I can see my own children at that age and I wonder of Otis would have been the same.

To answer Arnold's question... No I'm not ready for tomorrow.  I'm not ready to face the day. I'm not ready to be myself. 

But I am ready to wish my son Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven.  We miss you and love you so much.  I'm sure you are having so much fun with your sister <3