Happy 4th Birthday

S. If I never go to sleep, does that mean the 28th will never come?

Can I stay up from the 27th until the 29th and just skip that day?  No one needs to think about what happen on that day? 

Or maybe staying up that long will make it so that day had never happen?

Those painful feelings would never have been felt.  Those countless tears never cried.  That loss never felt?

Nope!  Sorry Miranda but it doesn't work that way.

No matter how late I stay up, no matter how much I try to stay calm, no matter how much I smile and say "I'm fine" that day will have happened.

4 years ago today the most amazing thing happen. I had my 4th baby.  He was to be my rainbow baby.  The baby I had dreamed about and was finally here. 

Instead of being such a happy thing it was more a huge sigh of relief and then a roller coaster of emotions.  Relief that we didn't have to make the decision between my life or the babies.  And then a roller coaster of "holy shit!  This is happening to us. Right now"

I'm not sure why I find this year so weird for me.  

Tonight, laying in bed, Arnold put his arms around me and asked if I was ready for tomorrow.  And you know what?  It's the first we have talked about Otis, for a long time.  Neither of us have talked about him to each other or to or with the boys.  We haven't done anything like that in a while.  When we picked up our Christmas tree this year Q did ask if it was Otis's birthday.  It has been our tradition to pick up our Christmas tree on his birthday, but this year it just didn't work.

After school I hope we can decorate the tree.  I know the boys have activities but I would love to decorated it as a family.

I think another reason this year is so hard for me is that our son would be in JK.  His life would now be measured by school years. It's weird looking at these kids in my class wondering.. Would Otis be doing that?  Would he be ahead or behind compared to the others?  Would he made friends?  Would he be in my classroom?  Sometimes watching the kids I can see my own children at that age and I wonder of Otis would have been the same.

To answer Arnold's question... No I'm not ready for tomorrow.  I'm not ready to face the day. I'm not ready to be myself. 

But I am ready to wish my son Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven.  We miss you and love you so much.  I'm sure you are having so much fun with your sister <3

From my journal

Today is the day.  

Today is the day that 3 years ago we buried our son. 

Today is the day that is almost as hard for me as the day he died.

Today.

Today I'm going to share from my journal.  I got this journal in the hospital.  And while I haven't written in it a lot this is from one of my first journal entries.

Dec 1st 2012

"...It meant it was all over.  ARnold was by my side the entire time.  His eyes never left mine.  We cried, hugged, talked and exchanged 'I love you''s.  Eventually we decided we needed some time time before seeing our son.  We also needed a name!  We slept for about an hour then began our crazy day.

Arnold texted my mom and dad who were home with our boys and told them.  They began getting ready to come over. 

Arnold and I took our time meeting our boy.  Arnold saw him first.  He held him for a few minutes.  He was so small.  No bigger than one of Arnold's hands.  Arnold put him back down and came to me and we cried and cried and held each other.  Arnold prepared me for what my sweet boy looked like and when we were ready I had the nurse bring him to me.

Arnold held me and I held our baby. 

Our sweet little boy was so small.

They had him wrapped so only his face was showing.  His Boyd and head were so small that the hat he was wearing was way too big for him.  He had the sweetest "old man" face.  His Boyd hair was so with it looked like a must ash and big eyebrows.  He had the "Leverton turn up nose" that my sister has.  His eyes weren't open and with that he sort of looked like he was pouting or angry or upset.  Heck, I would be too!  

What a baby he was.  We were so full of hope, promise and plans for our baby.  All of those were taken from us in just under a week.  It's so hard to believe sometimes.

When I was holding my son I just wanted the world to stop.  I wanted all the time with him.  To know every detail of my boy but I couldn't.  

I kept telling myself that he wasn't there.  My baby was in heaven with God.  He was happy, healthy and in the best possible place he could be.  It may not feel like it now but he was.   Our little boy was in heaven, in Jesus's arms and meeting all of his family up there..."

And slowly it's not memorable.....

It's that time of year again.  Where I try to stay as busy as possible and not think about anything. 

And I do mean anything!

About 3 years ago, to the hour, we were told that our son's heart had stopped beating.  They said our baby was dead. 

Want to know the first thing out of my mouth?

Thank God!

Followed by tears. 

These are the kind of tears that never stop. 

That ultrasound was the hardest thing in the world.  We were trying to make the choice between continuing the pregnancy and possibly having more serious health risks, or ending our child's life so that I could recover. 

After that ultrasound, Arnold and I went back to the hospital room and cried.  We cried and cried and cried.  The tears didn't stop until hours after.

The hospital worked fast.  We went to the delivery rooms and began to be induced.  I got to shower and eat before our labour began.

Was it crazy for me to thank God?  No. 

I thank God that He was able to make the choice for Arnold and I.  I could never, ever choose between my life and my child's.  And Arnold knew that, my parents knew that, and they all knew what that would mean.

Eventually it would mean brain damage and death.

I still cry when I think about Otis.  I was talking to a friend at school the other day and I teared up.  I try not to break down.

Every year it gets easier.  Last year I was crying in the hallway all morning with a good friend of mine.  This year... I've made it through the day with only a few tears.

While this day, or even this weekend, doesn't mean a lot to people.  It does to me.  My friends have slowly forgotten about our son, but I know I haven't.  

And it's ok.  Totally ok.  Not everyone has to remember everything.  Just remember it's hard for me and my family.

My Dearest Otis, 2 years later

My Dearest Otis,

Today marks 2 years since we lay you to rest.  While I think about you often the days are getting further between.  Some mornings I wake up and don't remember what you look like.  And that scares me.

My Dearest Otis,

Your brothers miss you more than I ever thought.  Your brothers think about you a lot and think about you often.  Every once and a while I get this little "What do you think we would be doing with Otis now?"  or "How old would he be?  Would he be in school yet?  Could he walk?"  and sometimes "I wish I could snuggle him".

My Dearest Otis,

Life has changed so much over these past 2 years that all my plans I had for you in our lives seem to never have been able to fit.  Your time with us was so short and so precious and had such an effect on us.

My Dearest Otis,

You were buried with a little angel bear and a white lily in honour of your sibling, Baby Casey.  I trust that you two are having the most amazing time in Heaven.  I envy the time you get to spend together.

My Dearest Otis,

I still cry when I hear your name.  Sometimes it's not so bad, other times its a full break down. Sometimes it's a few tears and other times it's a headache of memories.

My Dearest Otis,

The past few months I've gotten rid of a lot of the baby items I had for you.  For some reason I had held onto every thing I had just incase.  Just incase why?  I have no idea, but I do know they were meant for you.

My Dearest Otis,

I dreamt of you.  I dreamt you were 2 almost 3.  You were walking and talking and playing with toy cars.  You were such a snuggle bug and I spent most of my time watching you and holding you.  You smiled so much and I woke up in tears.  Oh my dearest Otis.  I miss you.

My Dearest Otis,

I miss you more than words and I can't wait to see you in heaven.

October 15th

Today is October 15th.  A few year ago I would just tell you that it was a normal day.  The day before my birthday!  The day that I would quiz everyone and say "So... what did you get me? Do you know what a special day is tomorrow?"

Now I know what a special day it is.

October 15th is the day that I celebrate my family, with my family.  We talk about Baby Casey. 

For those of you who don't know Baby Casey came into our lives in February 2012.  We found out we were pregnant.  It was so exciting!!  We kept it quiet during a big family get together in March and we were so good about not saying anything at all!

It was so cool.  We had been working hard to get pregnant.  Arnold and I had been going to fertility treatment centers and were doing a few cycles to see how it was going and what was "wrong" with me. 

Finally we were pregnant. We were told because a blood test came back positive with them.  It was awesome!  I was SOOO glad and so excited.

We even had an ultrasound or 3 :)  We got to see the little baby.  This little tiny body forming inside my body.  My body was making another human.  How incredible my body is!

Then on the last Wednesday in March, I started spotting.  I was so scared.  We called the health center and were told that we just needed to wait it out at home. 

After more emergency appointments with our fertility doctor we found out we were losing our baby. 

I remember laying on the couch crying.  Arnold holding me and crying and crying and crying.  I told Arnold I could never do this again.  I could never lose another baby ever again.



And then our lives changed again.

We lost Otis in November 2012. 


And I will never ever be able to do this again.


As a friend of mine has been saying:

"If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower.

 If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan.

 But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child?" (from six feet under)

There isn't a name... nothing, not a single word in the English language is able to describe the pain, loss, and so many other feelings that are associated with losing a child.



Today, when you see someone who has lost a child, in pregnancy or as an infant, please give them an extra hug today.  They need it!

Sad Mail Reminders

I've finally had the chance to go through the mail from Friday.  And you know what I found?  A mailing from "Enfagrow".  It was some samples for children 12 to 36 months. 

who knew... you still get samples after you bury your child.

I didn't think it would bother me so much but it did.  I'm unsure how to handle all of this.  I mean, really it's something I can throw out.  And yet... somehow I just can't.  It's been sitting on the chair beside my chair in the living room. I am sure I will toss it soon but I'm just not there.

Can you believe my baby would have been almost 2 years old if he had survived on his born to heaven date?  And if he was born on his actual due date he would be just over a year and a bit. 

A year!  wow.  Walking, talking and being as cute as ever. 

Instead he is in heaven. 

Oh how my life has changed in such a short period of time.

While I am so blessed with my family on earth, I am equally as blessed with my family in heaven.

So today, I miss my baby.  More than ever...

Grief

Grief is like an ocean. 

If you have never experienced a loss just think about a day at the beach.  You are hanging out with friends and family.  Maybe digging holes to see how long it takes to get to water.  Or maybe you build a sandcastle with your kids.  Enjoying the craziness of making it just right.  Watching something appear out of nothing.  What a beautiful thing.

Then, something happens.  You lose something.  Something you have wanted for such a long time.  And that's when the waves hit you.  It's like a storm.  The waves of grief smash against you.  They destroy your sandcastle.  They destroy your day at the beach.  Its as if nothing will stop.  These waves of sadness, tears and your heavy heart will not stop.  No matter what.

Slowly, every so slowly the waves go back into the ocean of tears.  They move away from the shore line, from your perfect day at the beach.  The waves back up.  The pain of losing someone or something backs up.  The horrible loss feeling isn't there all the time.  It's like the first time you smile after a loss.  You aren't sure you can laugh or even smile, but you do.  The wave of grief isn't as pounding as before.

The sun comes out, the sand dries up, as do your tears.  The waves back up, the pound on the shore isn't as bad as it used to be.  It isn't as hard as you remember.  There are moments of sadness, moments when you miss that person or that thing so badly it hurts.  Moments when tears just pour out of you.

Those are the moments that are the hardest to explain.  For me they come so randomly.  Sometimes they seem so far between.  Sometimes I feel like I can go for weeks without feeling sad.  Weeks without thinking about my baby.  Then a storm comes.  Something happens.  Something sets me off and I just break down. 

Last night was a break down.  I'm not sure why, I'm not sure what brought it on, I'm just not sure.  But it happen.  It was hard to take.  I just missed my baby.

So if you are reading this and have never felt the loss in your life, please keep this in mind.  Just because something tragic happens "a long time ago" doesn't mean the waves of grief aren't going to hit later.  This isn't an excuse.  It's the truth.

Grief is like the waves of an ocean.  Lapping in and bringing memories, tears and sadness.

My 6 Month Check Up

Yesterday I had my 6 month PP Check up with my Blood Pressure Dr. 

I'll fully admit this one scared me more than anything.  I was so worried things would go wrong, I'd get bad test results and it would just be horrible. I voiced my concern to Arnold and he booked the day off.  Everyone, except Quinton, had some kind of appointment yesterday.

First off our day was crazy.  We were up, fed and out the door with Kyler by 6:45am.  That in itself is a HUGE deal as K is our "teenager" as far as sleeping and eating go.  He would rather be sleeping than getting up so early.

The boys (Arnold and K) dropped me off at work and headed to their dentist appointment.  Kyler's tooth needs to be polished down (as his jaw is still working a bit lopsided) or just pulled (as his Adult tooth is there already).

They went home and Arnold walked them to school and did some talking to people for his accountant duties for the Parent Council.

While I was still at work Arnold had his physical to do and then came to my work.  I left around noon and we went to Subway for lunch.  (thankfully Jack had the day off so he went and got Q from school)  While Arnold and I were at lunch the boys school called and Kyler hurt himself.  He has a tiny split on his knee and she wanted us to come and look at it if we could decide what to do.  The school board can't do anything but rinse it with water and put a band aid on it.  So we brought our "on the go" polysporn spray and stopped by to look at it.  A tiny split but not too worried.  Kyler let me spray it on (with a few tears) and then we put a butterfly band aid on it and another one on top just to keep it in place and then we were off to race to the hospital.

I went up to the 7th floor (silly maternity floor) and Arnold stopped by the lab to double check his recs from his appointment and what he needs to do.  I was sitting there blogging on my fitness blog and I realized... I didn't take my BP meds that morning!  How could I have done that!  And on such an important day!

Thankfully my BP was only 139/92.  Truly not that bad considering no drugs and on my least favourite floor in the hospital.

So we went in and talked with her.  I fessed up that I had forgotten to take my meds that morning and she wasn't too worried.  She said I'm on the boarder of not taking them or taking them.  While I'm on them my BP is *PERFECT* so now it's more of lifestyle changes than anything.  I'm staying on the drugs until we know for sure.

As far as lifestyle changes that includes, cutting back on my salt (little to none), watching my calories, and exercising.  Also getting my BMI to a reasonable number.  Right now my BMI is horrible. I need to weight 118 - 155 lbs to be in the proper BMI number. 

My dr told me to lose about 1 pound per week.  From what I weighted June 1st (which was the number we were going off - 239lbs).  I need to lose 84 pounds to get me right at 155.  So one pound a week... that's over 1 year of losing weight. 

Right now I go back and see her in September.  It's 18 weeks away.  So my goal is to be down to 220lbs by then.

So my tests results:

I was tested for anything and everything and we even added a few.  I was reading more about BP and I noticed one common thing was diabetes and I was scared about that.  I also wanted my thyroid to get tested.  So I did my blood work and was sent home with a 24 hour urine collection container.  I did that and brought it back to them.

EVERYTHING came back A-OK!!!  Negative for diabetes, negative for thyroid issues, negative for Lupus (something that is a big reason for BP issues), negative for protein in my urine. Kidney function normal; liver function normal.  Everything was wonderful!  I was told the only thing that was "up" was uric acid (sp) in my urine.  She said it comes when you may have a higher chance of getting kidney stones.  I told her I had already had kidney stones when I was in university and she said "oh well that's it!". 

So everything is ok.

I have the choice of taking myself of my own meds but I'm a little worried about that.  So instead I'm going to go back and see her in September.  Partly so I can get a script refilled (I could at my family dr if I needed) and partly to have that motivation to get down my 18 pounds before I see her.

All in All, I'm happy with how things are going. 

Happy 6 Months in Heaven!

Today marks my baby's 6 months in heaven!  He is so lucky!

This past Sunday night my boys were asking what a funeral was (our youth pastor's grandmother died and I just couldn't go... I just couldn't....).  Arnold explained it to them and you know what Kyler's response was?  Steve's Gran would be with Otis.  And Q got all excited knowing that Otis would have someone else in heaven with him.

Some days...

Some days I fully wish it was me with him.  Some days the heart ache is so bad I can barely stand up straight.  Some days I just shut down.  I just can't take it anymore.

Then there are others, which like today, I try to make myself so busy I can just "forget".  I try to forget what happen, forget our hell we lived through in 2012 and forget that I have a baby in heaven.

I pack my life and my days up with so much I hardly have room to breath.  Some days that is just easier for me.

Some days...

Some days I wonder why I'm not "where I should be" for having a baby 6 months ago.  Some days I wonder why my body has gone back to "normal", why my hair is still falling out, and why my emotions are no where close to being in check.

Then there are days when I feel like I'm finally in control.  Finally getting better.  And finally doing "ok" with my life.

Today I'm so sad my baby is in heaven.  But I am so glad he is there with his Father. 

Some days...

Some days are better than others.  But I do know Otis was and is loved more than I could express. 

And for those of you going through this... this is *normal*.  These feelings, this is normal.  And don't anyone tell you otherwise.  Grief is so completely normal.  In the way that there is nothing normal about it.  Some days rock, and some days suck.  That's just how it goes.  But... when there are more sucky days than "rocking" days find someone to talk to.  Please.  I do and it helps.

Happy Estimated Due Date Otis!

Every since the boys found out there was a baby in my belly they have known that this baby would come close to Quinton's Birthday.

Quinton feels the same way now.  Not that Otis will come now but that his birthday should be close to his.  Since there isn't really any "easy" way to explain this we have decided to have a little celebration tonight.

We found a local bakery and got some "mini cupcakes".  And tonight we are going out for dinner (keeping with our burger theme we are going to Five Guys and Fries).

When we come home we will celebrate our baby's EDD!

We love you Otis!

I'm Happy, I promise, but sometimes....

Let me start this post by saying I am happy.  I am generally happy 6 out of  7 days a week.  I have my moments where I feel like life sucks, but so does everyone else.  But generally, I'm happy.

I'm happy with my life.  I'm happy with where it's going.  I'm (mostly) happy with my kids attitudes.  I'm happy with my husband.  I'm happy.

But sometimes....

Last night I went to Aqua fit.  I had been 2 weeks ago for Aqua Fit.  The pool was cold and it wasn't the best time.  My friend and I were cold so we got out early.  Instead of 2 sessions we did 1 (we normally do 1 round 2 times). 

This week we had a bit warmer water and it was fun.  I really enjoyed being back in the pool.  I got to visit with my friend K.  K has been doing aqua fit with me for a while.  We are around the same age (I think she is about 3 years older than me).  She is a kindergarten teacher in the GTA and is alot of fun!  She has a daughter, H, and her hubby, C.  They are so nice.  I finally met them this weekend while shopping! 

Anyway when I first started Aqua Fit I was one of the only "young" women.  K and I had alot of fun.  We would visit about our kids and how things were going.  The next "youngest" lady was about 60 or so.  When we were pregnant with Baby Casey telling K was something I was SO excited about.  And the same with Otis. 

And when we knew we were done, forever, I told K.  She was so supportive.  She and her hubby had been trying as well and she said they were done.  (We had both been trying at the same time)  It sounds silly but knowing I could go to Aqua Fit and have it be the only place I was "safe" from babies was great!  I LOVE it! 

Well last night as we were leaving K made a comment and I stopped and looked at her and went "Oh my gosh, you are pregnant!".  She smiled and said yes.  Then proceded to tell me how sorry she was and that this wasn't the right time to be telling me and how she just didnt' want this to be happening like this.

Then it hit me.  People are scared/afraid to tell me things.  Esp when they have to do with babies.

People... I AM OK! 

I spent about 45 minutes telling my good friend how happy I was; how excited I am; how I can't wait to meet this little one inside and how wonderful a mother she will be to her 2 kids.

Then, no lie, I went home and cried in my husbands arms.

I am happy.  I am.  I am so happy that a family is getting the chance to have another baby.  K and her hubby have tired for almost 2 years. This is a wonderful thing for her. 

But for me.  I'm still adjusting.  It's hard to have my one "non baby" outlet invaded.  Will I be happy when I see her again, hell yes!  Will I be excited for this baby, oh yes!  Will I wish it was me, no.

We are done.  We are done having our own flesh and blood babies.  And we are ok with this.

Will I be sad sometimes?  yes.  Yes.... yes.

But please.  Don't "protect me".  I will not be able to go through life without seeing another baby, without a friend being pregnant, without things like this happening.  It's totally normal and I am totally ok with it.

I am happy.  I promise!  But sometimes I just need to be a little sad.

Marriage Monday ~ Connecting with Your Husband

First off I want to say, I am NO expert.  At all.  Not even in things I want to pretend I am.  I still refer to people, the Internet, my mom, other parents and most of all God and the Bible for most of my information.  It could be anything from needing help with my laundry (mom) to what to do about my kids in school (other parents).  But I do NOT claim to be an expert.  At all.


Now with that being said:


I've thought about this for a while and thought it was time to start doing something semi regular in my blog.  These Marriage Mondays may seem out of date compared to when you read them, and they most likely are.  I've completed some of these things in the month before I have posted it on the blog.  Not only does it give me some time to get caught up but it gives me some time to see how things went.


Today's topic, Connecting with Your husband.

I thought I was connected with my husband.  Completely.  Totally.  I knew what he wanted, when he wanted it and how he wanted it... but I was SO wrong.

My husband went to a men's retreat a few months ago at Muskoka Bible Centre.  When he was there the centre was beginning their "push" for the marriage weekend.  Arnold came home thinking, hey, this could be fun!  He wanted to try it.  I was about 4 months pregnant with Otis.  I told him if he wanted to do it he was going to have to find childcare and we were going to have to use our birthday money to pay for it.  He was all on board, so that meant I was as well.

When we were in the hospital just before Otis was born I was telling Arnold to cancel.  Cancel it now, and see if we could get our money back.  There was *no* way we could have a preemie and go away for the weekend.  I just couldn't do it. 

After Otis passed away we chose to use this weekend as our weekend to "check in" with each other.  Jan 18th-20th was about 2 months from when I went into the hospital so it was a good time to check in and see how we were doing.  We wanted to  use this time as a chance to exchange gifts with each other and to see how we were both doing.  Away from the kids. 

This meant it was our first time being away from the kids as well...  Arnold's childcare was changed from my parents to my brother (thank you Jack!).  We have never gone away with just the 2 of us since we got married almost 9 years ago.  So really, truly this was perfect time to go away.

Back to the weekend...

We headed out Friday around 3pm.  We quickly did some running around and were on the road.  We stopped in Orillia for supper.  It was lightly snowing when we went in.  You know those cute flakes?  Well when we came out about a half hour/hour later it was all over the car and we went from driving 110Km/h on the highway to driving more like 85km/h if we were lucky.  It was bad. 

Now for those who know me I'm not one for driving in bad weather.  I hate it.  HATE it.  I know I know it's not that bad, cars are safe, ect.  But I just don't like it at all.  So to pass the time and help me relax Arnold and I talked about random things.  Really completely random things.

We got to MBC just in time to sign in (7pm) and find our room.  Arnold parked the car and we dropped everything off.  We were in this little motel room.  Queen bed, 2 night side tables, a tall table, a 3 piece bathroom and a comfy chair.  It had sliding doors at the back of the motel room and a view of the lake.  So beautiful.

We got all the things in from the car and then headed out for snacks.  We got something to drink, some cookies and then went to session #1.

Our speakers were Bill and Pam Farrel.  They were great.  I really did enjoy their sessions.  The worship team was incredible.  JUST what I needed this weekend.  The first session was giving us a overview of their book (Men are like Waffles Women are like Spaghetti).  And kinda going into the differences. 

Men think like Waffles... the Waffle is a box.. .every box is something else.  And as Bill explained it, when men get older they can travel from box to box faster, which makes them look like they are multi tasking.  There are different boxes.  There is the "Nothing" box (where they are thinking nothing), the "Happy" box (could be sports, something they enjoy), the "Bingo" box (sex), the "Children" box (each kid has a box including things like what they like, age, ect), the "Budget" box, the "Jobs Around The House" box, ect.

Women think like Spaghetti.  If you put a piece of spaghetti on a plate you see it winds and curls and connects/touches almost every other strands.  Everything we think is connected.  For example you might start a conversation like "At work today my friend called and asked me to go for coffee.  So we went to this little shop down the road that has those cute curtains.  They remind me of the ones in Sue's house.  You know in the spare room?  They have those yellow and purple together.  You know, yellow and purple dont' always look good together.  I'm more of a yellow and blue kind of girl.  but not that yellow like the sun, more like yellow like gold.  And blue like the sky.  They look good together.  I really think Brad and Tyler look good together, don't you think?  Such a cute couple.  And those pictures they took this summer.  I wonder if that photographer could do our photos, maybe couple ones?  We haven't had our own photos done since our wedding."  As you can see this conversation connect everything from Work - friends - coffee- shop- curtains - Sue's house - spare room - colours - gold - blue - together - friends - photos - ect....  To a girl it's a normal train of thought.  To a guy this is so confusing... a million different boxes!

Anyway... we learned about how to communicate with each other.  It was really a great session.  That night we went back to our room and exchanged our "Christmas" gifts with each other.  Arnold got me this shirt I wanted.  REALLY wanted.  But I just couldn't do it.  So Arnold went back to the store and bought it for me!  I got him a years worth of dates.  Every month we are going somewhere different.  And it ensures we actually GO/DO something.

Over the weekend we learned more about how to communicate within our marriage (small talk, thought sand ideas, opinions and convictions and emotional connections), how to be a great listener, having safe words with each other for fights, freaking out, how to deal with stress in your home, how we are motivated, how to resolve conflict (since we each do it differently), how to approach conflict, how to forgive, and how to romance each other (again). 

Each time we had a break at the camp we would talk with each other about what we learned and what we thought.  On the way home we had 3-4 hours of talking about what we had learned.  It was our way to re-connect with my husband.  We talked about the past, the present and what we thought about for our future.  It was fantastic.  I loved having time to find out more about my husband. 

I challenge you to ask your husband, what are his favourite "boxes"?  Find out where he likes to "stay" on his waffle and remember it.  When it's a long hard day suggest a "box" to him.  Or make that box possible for him.

Connect with your husband today.  If nothing else give him 5 minutes of eye contact and listen to him.

And if at all possible, get a weekend away like we did!

Here's just a few photos from our weekend:

Is he not the most handsome man in the whole world?  I think so

Dearest Otis

Before I actually put this post out there I want you to realize this is my words, my thoughts, my feelings.  These haven't been shared with other people before and I just feel the need to put this out there.

This week I have been planning my son's Internment Service.  Let me tell you, no parent should EVER have to do this.  Ever.  This is so hard.  I think it's hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Just arranging the few things I wanted to do is heartbreaking. 

During all of this I have looked back in my journal more than once.  And I came across my letter to Otis.  I wanted to share it with you. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Dearest Otis,

Today marks 3 weeks since you were born.  Wow, what a change in 3 weeks.  Today.  Today was hard.  Today I go back to the hospital.  I go back to where this nightmare began, which resulted in you coming into our lives way earlier than planned.

I know that only by the grace of God, your life has touched so man.  But somehow I feel rejected by God.  I knew you longer than anyone on this earth.  I knew the moment we were pregnant.  I felt you move, grow, change.  But I never got to see you grow, change and become the man you may have become.

I guessed you were a girl, hoped you were a girl as this was our last pregnancy.  But with the problems we started having (not hearing your heartbeat on the dopplers) I had this gut feeling you were another boy.

You would be that baby brother who would be protected by his two Big Brothers.  You would be instantly loved by their friends and be taken care of by Kyler and Quinton.

The three of you would be in a constant state of mischief.  Always making me second guess quiet moments in the house and having my heart in my throught as you "busted myths" in our backyard.

You would be my fastest moving baby.  Always wanting to catch up.  You would walk sooner, talk sooner and grow up way too fast for me.

By the time you went to school you would be more than ready and for 1 year all of my boys would be int eh same school at the same time.  When you started, you would have been "Kyler and Quinton's little brother" but soon after you would own your own at school.  And I would become "Otis's Mom".

You would ride a bike so early, swim laps before teachers thought you could, reprogram the TV just by rolling on the remote as a baby and play music better than anyone.

You would have been your fathers son, in every sense.  You would have been tall, and skinny, had brown hair and looked like him (minus the Leverton nose you have like Aunt B).  You would have loved being outside, kicking the ball around with your brothers, working with your hands.  Maybe my love of music would have been shared and you would have sang or played piano.  But maybe not.

Oh, my sweet baby.  There is so much I don't know about you.  I don't know what your eye colour would have been; I don't know what your voice would have sounded like; I don't know how you would have skinned your knees the first time; what your friends would have been like; what your favourite food would have been; what your "put me to sleep" song would have been; I don't know if you would have been a "geek" like your daddy or an athlete or a musician or something totally different.

I do know something.  I know I love you.  I loved you before you were given to us.  I loved you the moment after the first pregnancy test came up positive.  I loved seeing you every time I got an ultrasound.  I loved you and your brothers every time they talked to you in my belly.  I loved feeling you dance inside.  I loved the one night Quinton talked and sang to you and you were dancing in my belly.  I love you.

When it got to the point in my hospital stay where we had to make the choice we prayed.  We prayed so hard God would make that choice for us.  God would save you from anymore pain or problems my body was causing yours and you would be safe.

I still remember the moment we were told you didnt' have a heartbeat anymore.  I praised God for not having me make a hard choice.  I thanked Him for saving you from more hurt and pain.  And I praised Him for bringing you home, where one day I will see you again in Heaven.

I remember the last time I felt you move.  It was after having my CT scan done.  They put on over 40 lbs of led gowns on my belly to keep you safe and you didn't like it.

That night you did alot of moving.  I could feel it all.  I talked to you for a bit, told you we all loved you and even sang you Kyler and Quinton's "put me to sleep" songs (Baby Beluga and Wheels on the bus).  I wrapped my arms around my belly and held you.  Slowly the moving stopped.  I'm pretty sure that's when God took you home to be with the angels and Baby Casey.

On Nov 28th around 3:30am you were born.  I hate it when people tell me you were "delivered" or just a "stillbirth" not born.  Because you were.  You were born.  While a tiny baby you were handsome.  You had the smallest nose, the cutest face and you looked wise beyond your years.  You were perfect. 

Just perfect

We miss you.  Even after 3 weeks I still have moments each day where I think of you.  Where I miss you or where your brothers ask about you.

Thanks to God's blessing of having you be a part of our lives our family is complete.  I have 4 babies.  Two are here with me and 2 are in Heaven.  What more could a mom ask for?

I love you Otis Gus Gilbert.  Now and forever and I will never forget my baby

Love

Mommy.

Otis Gus Gilbert Visser's Service

If you need any more information please let me know and I can provide it to you. 

Please be in prayer for our family this next weekend as we say goodbye to Otis.

First Times

I have been experiencing alot of "first times" lately.

There was the 1st time seeing the OB on Monday and not being pregnant
The 1st time going to the BP dr on Thursday with no one but my trusty man Q
The 1st time my meds have changed alot
The 1st time going to swimming lessons with the boys and seeing my friend who is having her baby this weekend
The 1st time going to my own swimming lessons and having to tell everyone that we lost the baby (it was known that we were pregnant)
The 1st time having to seriously explain to someone that if I did get pregnant again I could die
The 1st time going clothes shopping and actually knowing this was my size, no more "pre-post" baby body.  This is it (and getting better!)
The 1st time leaving the boys home with their uncle for a whole weekend!
The 1st time going on a couples retreat
The 1st time telling people we have "2 boys at home and 2 babies in heaven".

Alot of "1st times".

And I have to say, I may not have enjoyed every single one of them, but I'm slowly growing through them all.

Dr Appointments

As I'm sure you've had alot of posts about our family and our sweet baby Otis, this is another one, of sorts.

I had my 6 week appointment today.  My sweet little boy would have been 6 weeks old (well almost 7), if everything had worked out.  Don't get me wrong, I wanted a full term healthy baby but if he had survived his birthday, he would be 6 weeks old by now.

Today I met with our INCREDIBLE ob.  She was wonderful!  I love her and her staff so much.  They booked me knowing what had happen on a day when there were NO pregnant women in the office, no blaring "you didn't have a baby and I am" feelings.  I got in before my appointment and out just after what would have been my appointment time.  She helped us set up future appointments (yes, it's true I'm "making" my husband get the "Big V", and I am to come and see her next fall).  We talked about how I'm doing medically, how my body is and what's going on with us.  We joked about how things have been going since then and what will be happening next. 

All in all a great visit.  She really is a wonderful ob. 

Now I wait, 3 more days, and I have another appointment.  My appointment with my BP dr is on Thursday afternoon.  I always have "high" bp in her office.  I'm not going to lie, putting an internal med dr with special interest in pregnancies, pre and post, on the labour and delivery floor, GREAT idea... but for the rest of us, it sucks.  My BP is high when I see her, but perfect to low at home.

I have a feeling this visit (or the next) we will be changing my doses.  I'm good with that.  I'm finding I'm low at night, but it could just be the night time.  For now we wait and see.  This appointment I'm taking my "warrior" with me... Quinton!  He loves this dr so it should be good.

And then I get some time off (most likely I'll see my BP dr again in 3 to 4 weeks but I do get "some" time off).  I'm looking forward to things getting semi normal again.

New Years Eve PARTY!

Hey Readers,

Things have been a bit crazy here.  I've wanted a bit of time to recover from losing Otis, then end of the year at school, Christmas, and now I'm hoping for a fantastic new year.

I did some "pinterest" checking about things to do to celebrate new years.  I wanted something good to do for our family.  So I came up with some plans.

First off, I decorated our tree.  Today we "undecorated" the tree from Christmas things and tonight, while
the boys were napping I redecorated it with a New Years Theme:

It's all decorated with necklaces, noise makers, horns, "2013" glasses, hats, and balloons.

I am so excited for the kids to see the tree :)

There are balloons starting at 5pm and they look like this:

One side has "5pm" on it along with a hint about what we will be doing during that hour, and then on the other side is clock.  Kyler can read the clock (or is learning) and Quinton can read the time written out.  The kids pop the balloons and then find out what we are doing.  Each balloon has a little write up of what we will be doing.  For example... 5pm is a "the fun begins!  Head out on a hunt and see what joys you can find"

The kids will then head out on a hunt around the neighbourhood.  They start at our house with a clue and continue on to the next 4 houses we know.  Each house will have a bag with a treat and a balloon:

We got them new flashlights

They will get little airplanes

Glow in the dark glasses!

Bubbles, but they will freeze when it's below 0 :)

When they get back they will do 6pm (Fondue begins - cheese and bread) and we will talk about their goals for 2013:

Then at 7pm we are doing some Wii games/board games with the kids.  They are really into it now.  And we have a little container with some trophies in it for them, as well as the container will be our families time capsule

8pm we will be doing the Meat Fondue.  Arnold is VERY excited for this part.  The kids will be encouraged to put on their "fat pants" (ie pjs) and new socks:

9pm is time to walk around the neighbourhood and see the lights.  They will be given some glow sticks to go out and walk around:

10pm we will have dessert fondue (fruit and chocolate and marshmallow dip) and make some noise makers:

11pm is movie time!  I could only think of one movie that is a new years theme in it.  It's WTP Seasons Greetings.  We will watch it and the boys get to have their own bowls and fill them with goodies (goodies are still packed away)

11:45pm we will be undecorating the tree.  Getting some hats, noise makers, necklaces, and the poppers :)

Then once the movie is over we send the kiddos to bed, and us too!

Thank goodness for my waffle maker!  I've made a batch and put them in the freezer for quick breakfast on the 1st!

Anyway I hope I have given you some hope and maybe some ideas for next year.

Happy New Years!  May this coming year be better than the last. May God grant us the wisdom to use the experiences from 2012 to make us better people in 2013.

Bruises fade, Tears slow....

Slowly my bruises are fading.  For anyone who saw me in the hospital or after knows I had my fair share of bruises.  I was showing them off like my battle scars. 

When I arrived at the hospital I had blood taken from my right hand.... this resulted in a bruise. 

I had an "art" line (arterial line - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arterial_catheter ) in my right arm when I first got there.  After 12 hours is clotted and needed to be removed. Boy was that bruise a good one.  All the way down from my wrist to almost my elbow... fun!

My poor left hand.  Everything went in there.  From start to finish I had an art line, 4 IV's and a few blood pokes.  It's been a mess.  Slowly. Slowly my poor arm is getting better.  Now only a few spots with bruises remain but mostly my hand hurts.  It had my last IV in it.

While the bruises on my body are fading, and my tears aren't coming as often I still wonder...

When does the broken heart heal? 

Right now, it feels like never.  Once and a while I'll be laying in bed and feel like my heart physically hurts.  And it does.  It hurts so much that I'm not sure what to do.  Other times I lay there and think of all the things I want this Christmas a whole heart is one of them.  It's not something that will happen over night, and it's not something I'm ready to be completely open about but it's broken.  It will take some time and I just need to be ready for it.

For those who know me, I'm a planner.  A big time planner.  And this is something God is teaching me.  You can't plan your grief.  You can't plan when it will stop, and you can't plan when it will be over, and you can't plan when it will hit you. 

Today we (Mom and I) took back my maternity clothes we had bought just a month ago.  I couldn't go in the store.  I had Mom do it.  When she got out she said it was the hardest thing to do.  When asked why the clothes were being returned she told the lady that we had lost Otis and ended up in tears.  It sounds silly but that was one of the final things to do.  Now it's a matter of finding homes for the little boy clothes we have, the diapers, the maternity clothes I did wear but that can be in a while, it doesn't have to be now. 

So for now, my bruises have faded and my tears have slowed, but my broken heart is going to take some time.

Life

Life is hard sometimes.  It's wonderful sometimes.  And still others... I go crazy!

For now an "information" post is best.  November was a hard month. 

I had an ultrasound on Nov 14th and on the 15th I got a call saying the baby was small and had a lack of fluid.  I made an appointment with an OB for  Nov 21st and waited.

We saw her and went over my history.  We did a quick talk about the past ultrasound and tried to find babys heartbeat.  We couldn't.  I was sent for an ultrasound, blood work, and back to the office.  My blood pressure was high, very high.

We were sent to L&D at the hospital.  They couldn't get my 202/120 BP down.  We ended up in ICU doing drugs to get my BP under control.  After spending Wednesday to Monday there I met with the baby specialist about how small our little one was.  He suggested we transfer to Mount Siani(sp) hospital.  We did Monday afternoon.

We were admitted and drugged some more!  My BP dropped lower than I've ever seen and I was sick.  We ended up waiting overnight to get into the ultrasound to see the baby.  God granted us with not having to make the choice about our baby.  My severe pre-ecclampia was so bad that we knew the only way to get better was to deliver our baby early.  But at the ultrasound we found out our little one had already passed away a few days before.

I was induced and delivered our sweet baby Otis Gus Gilbert Visser on Wednesday, Nov 28th around 4am. 

We spent the next few days in the hospital working on my Blood pressure.  I was released on Friday and I'm home now.

I'm still on meds for my bp and I'm working to keep it under control.  I take one med at 6am and 6pm and then another med at 10am and 10pm.  It's hard to keep on track but I need to do this.

Now I'm grieving.  My baby boy.  My sweet baby boy is gone and I can't do anything about it.  Some days are good, some days are bad and some are both.  Some nights I can sleep, some nights I can't and some nights I don't know what to do. 

The boys are getting by.  Every once and a while we get questions from my boys about it.  Tonight Quinton prayed for baby and asked God to keep him safe and I started crying.  Every day is different.

So for now, bare with me while I work through this.  I'm having a hard time sometimes.  Others... I'm ready to take on the world, for a few hours.

I'll be back, I promise.