Thursday, December 6, 2012

Bruises fade, Tears slow....

Slowly my bruises are fading.  For anyone who saw me in the hospital or after knows I had my fair share of bruises.  I was showing them off like my battle scars. 

When I arrived at the hospital I had blood taken from my right hand.... this resulted in a bruise. 

I had an "art" line (arterial line - ) in my right arm when I first got there.  After 12 hours is clotted and needed to be removed. Boy was that bruise a good one.  All the way down from my wrist to almost my elbow... fun!

My poor left hand.  Everything went in there.  From start to finish I had an art line, 4 IV's and a few blood pokes.  It's been a mess.  Slowly. Slowly my poor arm is getting better.  Now only a few spots with bruises remain but mostly my hand hurts.  It had my last IV in it.

While the bruises on my body are fading, and my tears aren't coming as often I still wonder...

When does the broken heart heal? 

Right now, it feels like never.  Once and a while I'll be laying in bed and feel like my heart physically hurts.  And it does.  It hurts so much that I'm not sure what to do.  Other times I lay there and think of all the things I want this Christmas a whole heart is one of them.  It's not something that will happen over night, and it's not something I'm ready to be completely open about but it's broken.  It will take some time and I just need to be ready for it.

For those who know me, I'm a planner.  A big time planner.  And this is something God is teaching me.  You can't plan your grief.  You can't plan when it will stop, and you can't plan when it will be over, and you can't plan when it will hit you. 

Today we (Mom and I) took back my maternity clothes we had bought just a month ago.  I couldn't go in the store.  I had Mom do it.  When she got out she said it was the hardest thing to do.  When asked why the clothes were being returned she told the lady that we had lost Otis and ended up in tears.  It sounds silly but that was one of the final things to do.  Now it's a matter of finding homes for the little boy clothes we have, the diapers, the maternity clothes I did wear but that can be in a while, it doesn't have to be now. 

So for now, my bruises have faded and my tears have slowed, but my broken heart is going to take some time.

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