Today marks my baby's 6 months in heaven! He is so lucky!
This past Sunday night my boys were asking what a funeral was (our youth pastor's grandmother died and I just couldn't go... I just couldn't....). Arnold explained it to them and you know what Kyler's response was? Steve's Gran would be with Otis. And Q got all excited knowing that Otis would have someone else in heaven with him.
Some days I fully wish it was me with him. Some days the heart ache is so bad I can barely stand up straight. Some days I just shut down. I just can't take it anymore.
Then there are others, which like today, I try to make myself so busy I can just "forget". I try to forget what happen, forget our hell we lived through in 2012 and forget that I have a baby in heaven.
I pack my life and my days up with so much I hardly have room to breath. Some days that is just easier for me.
Some days I wonder why I'm not "where I should be" for having a baby 6 months ago. Some days I wonder why my body has gone back to "normal", why my hair is still falling out, and why my emotions are no where close to being in check.
Then there are days when I feel like I'm finally in control. Finally getting better. And finally doing "ok" with my life.
Today I'm so sad my baby is in heaven. But I am so glad he is there with his Father.
Some days are better than others. But I do know Otis was and is loved more than I could express.
And for those of you going through this... this is *normal*. These feelings, this is normal. And don't anyone tell you otherwise. Grief is so completely normal. In the way that there is nothing normal about it. Some days rock, and some days suck. That's just how it goes. But... when there are more sucky days than "rocking" days find someone to talk to. Please. I do and it helps.