I've failed

There are those days where the whole world seems perfect.  Everything went just right. 

Your hair was wonderful when you woke up.  Your breakfast was amazing, kids didn't bother you or fight at the table.  Everything was.... perfect.

Today is not one of those days!

My brain is still catching up from vacation mode.  I've been feeling so much lately that it's overwhelming at times.

I've forgotten to pay bills.  I've over or underpaid bills.

I've forgotten about expenses we already said we would do for sure and now.. I'm so confused.

I'm feeling lost in life.

I'm not sure what I'm putting in my body for food some days.  Grocery lists always seem to have something that is forgotten.

Some days... I'm just feeling like I'm failing at everything.

Today was one of those days.

Late start (rough night with a kid with nightmares); laundry not coming out clean after using washing it 3 times; dinner was a crockpot meal that had to be made before school and just not feeling it; forgetting to follow through on a promise I made; feeling unneeded or overused at work.

It's just one of those days.

Thankfully, they don't last.  Thankfully every day will get better and today is just an icky day.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to tomorrow!

Grief

Grief is like an ocean. 

If you have never experienced a loss just think about a day at the beach.  You are hanging out with friends and family.  Maybe digging holes to see how long it takes to get to water.  Or maybe you build a sandcastle with your kids.  Enjoying the craziness of making it just right.  Watching something appear out of nothing.  What a beautiful thing.

Then, something happens.  You lose something.  Something you have wanted for such a long time.  And that's when the waves hit you.  It's like a storm.  The waves of grief smash against you.  They destroy your sandcastle.  They destroy your day at the beach.  Its as if nothing will stop.  These waves of sadness, tears and your heavy heart will not stop.  No matter what.

Slowly, every so slowly the waves go back into the ocean of tears.  They move away from the shore line, from your perfect day at the beach.  The waves back up.  The pain of losing someone or something backs up.  The horrible loss feeling isn't there all the time.  It's like the first time you smile after a loss.  You aren't sure you can laugh or even smile, but you do.  The wave of grief isn't as pounding as before.

The sun comes out, the sand dries up, as do your tears.  The waves back up, the pound on the shore isn't as bad as it used to be.  It isn't as hard as you remember.  There are moments of sadness, moments when you miss that person or that thing so badly it hurts.  Moments when tears just pour out of you.

Those are the moments that are the hardest to explain.  For me they come so randomly.  Sometimes they seem so far between.  Sometimes I feel like I can go for weeks without feeling sad.  Weeks without thinking about my baby.  Then a storm comes.  Something happens.  Something sets me off and I just break down. 

Last night was a break down.  I'm not sure why, I'm not sure what brought it on, I'm just not sure.  But it happen.  It was hard to take.  I just missed my baby.

So if you are reading this and have never felt the loss in your life, please keep this in mind.  Just because something tragic happens "a long time ago" doesn't mean the waves of grief aren't going to hit later.  This isn't an excuse.  It's the truth.

Grief is like the waves of an ocean.  Lapping in and bringing memories, tears and sadness.

I don't wanna....

Forewarning... I'm having a "night"  I'm bummed, mad and upset.  I can't take anymore "bad" things happening and I need to vent.  This is not something I'm looking for to be fixed, or "made better".  It's just me an my emotions.


I don't wanna have a house that's a mess
I don't wanna have a fridge that isn't full
I don't wanna have a dryer that needs 4 + times to dry 3 towels!
I don't wanna have boys who are having health problems
I don't wanna have sick family members
I don't wanna have people in my house that can't do things for themselves
I don't wanna have a husband who is the tech guy at our church
I don't wanna have a broken work computer
I don't wanna have lost all of my information from church
I don't wanna have to rebuild all of my work from the past 5 months
I don't wanna have to share my office/workspace with random people
I don't wanna have to leave my personal items from my life out of my office so others can't "use" my office
I don't wanna have to have our boat vacation cancelled
I don't wanna have a dad who has cancer
I don't wanna have dad's cancer be such a concern that they up his radiation
I don't wanna lose my father
I don't wanna see my mom panic all the time
I don't wanna see my parent's move
I don't wanna lose my only "home" I've known since I've been married
I don't wanna go to a cottage for vacation (it reminds me of the last time I was at a cottage pregnant with Otis)
I don't wanna cry so much
I don't wanna be alone so much
I don't wanna have to hide my feelings
I don't wanna keep things inside for fear of making people upset
I don't wanna be left out of choices that affect me even if I'm not full time
I don't wanna be bumped from my schools job placement
I don't wanna be renting
I don't wanna be the "responsible one"
I don't wanna be the one that has to make everything better
I don't wanna be the one that stresses out about everything
I don't wanna be a stress eater
I don't wanna have a "big belly" like my boys say
I don't wanna be lazy
I don't wanna be a slob
I don't wanna be someone who can't lose weight
I don't wanna be on blood pressure meds
I don't wanna have an unmarked grave for my son
I don't wanna use their markers for his site
I don't wanna take up 2 people's "spaces" for Otis and Baby Casey
I don't wanna have babies who are dead
I don't wanna "see them in heaven"... I want them here now
I don't wanna just be a family of "2 boys on earth and 2 babies in heaven"
I don't wanna be "that mom"
I don't wanna be dealing with stress in an unhealthy way
I don't wanna look at the scale every Friday and want to cry
I don't wanna have a husband who spends more time running around doing things for others than spending time with his kids
I don't wanna be demanding my husband spend time with his family
I don't wanna be someone who stresses about money
I don't wanna be someone who can't keep their life in order
I don't wanna have a mother-in-law who has cancer
I don't wanna be here in Ontario and not be able to be there when she has her big appointment
I don't wanna be so far away from all our family
I don't wanna.....
I don't wanna.....

I just don't wanna.

Happy 6 Months in Heaven!

Today marks my baby's 6 months in heaven!  He is so lucky!

This past Sunday night my boys were asking what a funeral was (our youth pastor's grandmother died and I just couldn't go... I just couldn't....).  Arnold explained it to them and you know what Kyler's response was?  Steve's Gran would be with Otis.  And Q got all excited knowing that Otis would have someone else in heaven with him.

Some days...

Some days I fully wish it was me with him.  Some days the heart ache is so bad I can barely stand up straight.  Some days I just shut down.  I just can't take it anymore.

Then there are others, which like today, I try to make myself so busy I can just "forget".  I try to forget what happen, forget our hell we lived through in 2012 and forget that I have a baby in heaven.

I pack my life and my days up with so much I hardly have room to breath.  Some days that is just easier for me.

Some days...

Some days I wonder why I'm not "where I should be" for having a baby 6 months ago.  Some days I wonder why my body has gone back to "normal", why my hair is still falling out, and why my emotions are no where close to being in check.

Then there are days when I feel like I'm finally in control.  Finally getting better.  And finally doing "ok" with my life.

Today I'm so sad my baby is in heaven.  But I am so glad he is there with his Father. 

Some days...

Some days are better than others.  But I do know Otis was and is loved more than I could express. 

And for those of you going through this... this is *normal*.  These feelings, this is normal.  And don't anyone tell you otherwise.  Grief is so completely normal.  In the way that there is nothing normal about it.  Some days rock, and some days suck.  That's just how it goes.  But... when there are more sucky days than "rocking" days find someone to talk to.  Please.  I do and it helps.

I'm Happy, I promise, but sometimes....

Let me start this post by saying I am happy.  I am generally happy 6 out of  7 days a week.  I have my moments where I feel like life sucks, but so does everyone else.  But generally, I'm happy.

I'm happy with my life.  I'm happy with where it's going.  I'm (mostly) happy with my kids attitudes.  I'm happy with my husband.  I'm happy.

But sometimes....

Last night I went to Aqua fit.  I had been 2 weeks ago for Aqua Fit.  The pool was cold and it wasn't the best time.  My friend and I were cold so we got out early.  Instead of 2 sessions we did 1 (we normally do 1 round 2 times). 

This week we had a bit warmer water and it was fun.  I really enjoyed being back in the pool.  I got to visit with my friend K.  K has been doing aqua fit with me for a while.  We are around the same age (I think she is about 3 years older than me).  She is a kindergarten teacher in the GTA and is alot of fun!  She has a daughter, H, and her hubby, C.  They are so nice.  I finally met them this weekend while shopping! 

Anyway when I first started Aqua Fit I was one of the only "young" women.  K and I had alot of fun.  We would visit about our kids and how things were going.  The next "youngest" lady was about 60 or so.  When we were pregnant with Baby Casey telling K was something I was SO excited about.  And the same with Otis. 

And when we knew we were done, forever, I told K.  She was so supportive.  She and her hubby had been trying as well and she said they were done.  (We had both been trying at the same time)  It sounds silly but knowing I could go to Aqua Fit and have it be the only place I was "safe" from babies was great!  I LOVE it! 

Well last night as we were leaving K made a comment and I stopped and looked at her and went "Oh my gosh, you are pregnant!".  She smiled and said yes.  Then proceded to tell me how sorry she was and that this wasn't the right time to be telling me and how she just didnt' want this to be happening like this.

Then it hit me.  People are scared/afraid to tell me things.  Esp when they have to do with babies.

People... I AM OK! 

I spent about 45 minutes telling my good friend how happy I was; how excited I am; how I can't wait to meet this little one inside and how wonderful a mother she will be to her 2 kids.

Then, no lie, I went home and cried in my husbands arms.

I am happy.  I am.  I am so happy that a family is getting the chance to have another baby.  K and her hubby have tired for almost 2 years. This is a wonderful thing for her. 

But for me.  I'm still adjusting.  It's hard to have my one "non baby" outlet invaded.  Will I be happy when I see her again, hell yes!  Will I be excited for this baby, oh yes!  Will I wish it was me, no.

We are done.  We are done having our own flesh and blood babies.  And we are ok with this.

Will I be sad sometimes?  yes.  Yes.... yes.

But please.  Don't "protect me".  I will not be able to go through life without seeing another baby, without a friend being pregnant, without things like this happening.  It's totally normal and I am totally ok with it.

I am happy.  I promise!  But sometimes I just need to be a little sad.

Dearest Otis

Before I actually put this post out there I want you to realize this is my words, my thoughts, my feelings.  These haven't been shared with other people before and I just feel the need to put this out there.

This week I have been planning my son's Internment Service.  Let me tell you, no parent should EVER have to do this.  Ever.  This is so hard.  I think it's hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Just arranging the few things I wanted to do is heartbreaking. 

During all of this I have looked back in my journal more than once.  And I came across my letter to Otis.  I wanted to share it with you. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Dearest Otis,

Today marks 3 weeks since you were born.  Wow, what a change in 3 weeks.  Today.  Today was hard.  Today I go back to the hospital.  I go back to where this nightmare began, which resulted in you coming into our lives way earlier than planned.

I know that only by the grace of God, your life has touched so man.  But somehow I feel rejected by God.  I knew you longer than anyone on this earth.  I knew the moment we were pregnant.  I felt you move, grow, change.  But I never got to see you grow, change and become the man you may have become.

I guessed you were a girl, hoped you were a girl as this was our last pregnancy.  But with the problems we started having (not hearing your heartbeat on the dopplers) I had this gut feeling you were another boy.

You would be that baby brother who would be protected by his two Big Brothers.  You would be instantly loved by their friends and be taken care of by Kyler and Quinton.

The three of you would be in a constant state of mischief.  Always making me second guess quiet moments in the house and having my heart in my throught as you "busted myths" in our backyard.

You would be my fastest moving baby.  Always wanting to catch up.  You would walk sooner, talk sooner and grow up way too fast for me.

By the time you went to school you would be more than ready and for 1 year all of my boys would be int eh same school at the same time.  When you started, you would have been "Kyler and Quinton's little brother" but soon after you would own your own at school.  And I would become "Otis's Mom".

You would ride a bike so early, swim laps before teachers thought you could, reprogram the TV just by rolling on the remote as a baby and play music better than anyone.

You would have been your fathers son, in every sense.  You would have been tall, and skinny, had brown hair and looked like him (minus the Leverton nose you have like Aunt B).  You would have loved being outside, kicking the ball around with your brothers, working with your hands.  Maybe my love of music would have been shared and you would have sang or played piano.  But maybe not.

Oh, my sweet baby.  There is so much I don't know about you.  I don't know what your eye colour would have been; I don't know what your voice would have sounded like; I don't know how you would have skinned your knees the first time; what your friends would have been like; what your favourite food would have been; what your "put me to sleep" song would have been; I don't know if you would have been a "geek" like your daddy or an athlete or a musician or something totally different.

I do know something.  I know I love you.  I loved you before you were given to us.  I loved you the moment after the first pregnancy test came up positive.  I loved seeing you every time I got an ultrasound.  I loved you and your brothers every time they talked to you in my belly.  I loved feeling you dance inside.  I loved the one night Quinton talked and sang to you and you were dancing in my belly.  I love you.

When it got to the point in my hospital stay where we had to make the choice we prayed.  We prayed so hard God would make that choice for us.  God would save you from anymore pain or problems my body was causing yours and you would be safe.

I still remember the moment we were told you didnt' have a heartbeat anymore.  I praised God for not having me make a hard choice.  I thanked Him for saving you from more hurt and pain.  And I praised Him for bringing you home, where one day I will see you again in Heaven.

I remember the last time I felt you move.  It was after having my CT scan done.  They put on over 40 lbs of led gowns on my belly to keep you safe and you didn't like it.

That night you did alot of moving.  I could feel it all.  I talked to you for a bit, told you we all loved you and even sang you Kyler and Quinton's "put me to sleep" songs (Baby Beluga and Wheels on the bus).  I wrapped my arms around my belly and held you.  Slowly the moving stopped.  I'm pretty sure that's when God took you home to be with the angels and Baby Casey.

On Nov 28th around 3:30am you were born.  I hate it when people tell me you were "delivered" or just a "stillbirth" not born.  Because you were.  You were born.  While a tiny baby you were handsome.  You had the smallest nose, the cutest face and you looked wise beyond your years.  You were perfect. 

Just perfect

We miss you.  Even after 3 weeks I still have moments each day where I think of you.  Where I miss you or where your brothers ask about you.

Thanks to God's blessing of having you be a part of our lives our family is complete.  I have 4 babies.  Two are here with me and 2 are in Heaven.  What more could a mom ask for?

I love you Otis Gus Gilbert.  Now and forever and I will never forget my baby

Love

Mommy.

Dr Appointments

As I'm sure you've had alot of posts about our family and our sweet baby Otis, this is another one, of sorts.

I had my 6 week appointment today.  My sweet little boy would have been 6 weeks old (well almost 7), if everything had worked out.  Don't get me wrong, I wanted a full term healthy baby but if he had survived his birthday, he would be 6 weeks old by now.

Today I met with our INCREDIBLE ob.  She was wonderful!  I love her and her staff so much.  They booked me knowing what had happen on a day when there were NO pregnant women in the office, no blaring "you didn't have a baby and I am" feelings.  I got in before my appointment and out just after what would have been my appointment time.  She helped us set up future appointments (yes, it's true I'm "making" my husband get the "Big V", and I am to come and see her next fall).  We talked about how I'm doing medically, how my body is and what's going on with us.  We joked about how things have been going since then and what will be happening next. 

All in all a great visit.  She really is a wonderful ob. 

Now I wait, 3 more days, and I have another appointment.  My appointment with my BP dr is on Thursday afternoon.  I always have "high" bp in her office.  I'm not going to lie, putting an internal med dr with special interest in pregnancies, pre and post, on the labour and delivery floor, GREAT idea... but for the rest of us, it sucks.  My BP is high when I see her, but perfect to low at home.

I have a feeling this visit (or the next) we will be changing my doses.  I'm good with that.  I'm finding I'm low at night, but it could just be the night time.  For now we wait and see.  This appointment I'm taking my "warrior" with me... Quinton!  He loves this dr so it should be good.

And then I get some time off (most likely I'll see my BP dr again in 3 to 4 weeks but I do get "some" time off).  I'm looking forward to things getting semi normal again.

Just not ready, yet

I'm sitting here on the couch blogging while my family is getting ready for church. I'm just not ready, yet.

I'm not ready to "face the world" as some people call it. I'm just not ready to see so many babies in one place. I'm just not ready to see friends/family-like-people yet. I don't know why but I'm not ready.

I posted on a website I'm on about how I'm not ready. I'm almost scared to go and do these things. A friend, who has been through this before said, "It's normal Mir. I'm glad you are mourning the loss. You need to. It's ok to tell people that you are NOT fine too." I guess that is not something I'm "ok" with.

I'm not someone who tells people I'm NOT fine. I just don't do that.

Last night we went to a friends house for dinner. They have a 2.5year old (Melody) and a 2 month old (David). It was so nice to be out with them visiting and chatting. And to be honest this was the first time I've seen other people that know what is going on. I got a huge hug from Stephanie when I got there and then I held David. This was the first time I've held a baby since losing Casey. I teared up almost right away. He is so cute, and so little and just so sweet!

I won't lie, I had to bite my tongue to not have a full blown tear fest.

When we got home last night, and the boys were in bed, things put away and Arnold and I were finally in bed I cried. Arnold held me while I cried and I realized no matter how much I pretend I'm ok, I am not ok.


I am not ready to do everything I want. I am not ready to be at church; I am not ready to be working in the nursery; I'm not ready to see friends from church. I am just not ready.

I am just not ready, yet.

But I will be. I know God will give me the graces to be ready. I will be ready to do everything I did before with more love, excitement and joy but until then please just bare with me.

Happy Mother's Day!

Last night my incredible husband took me out for supper. It was fantastic! I got a new dress, shoes, earrings, necklaces ect... AND then while out I got a new planter for the front yard. I'm very excited for it!! I can't wait to get it started this year. I'm still trying to decide what to put in it!

I just finished writing up my "Happy Mother's Day" post on the company blog and I wanted to share it.

To Mothers in all "Stations" of Motherhood/life:

Happy Mother's Day

Our World-wind Weekend

We had a *crazy* weekend. It was alot of fun but crazy!

Lets see my last post was on Thursday, I think, about spring time. Well the weather sure hasn't let me down, but we have been busy that is a certainty.

Thursday our day went like this:

Arnold did work and K did school in the morning. Home for lunch and a short nap. Then the boys and I got in the car and headed out. We went to a friend from church's father's shop! He did a great job with the boys and never made them keep their heads in the right spot and had a lot of fun. His shop is sooo cool. Next time I am taking photos for sure. We came home and picked up some pizza and had supper. Trevor, the babysitter, came over and Arnold and I went to church and did choir rehearsal. On the way home we stopped and did some grocery shopping then headed home. Arnold drove Trevor home from our house and stopped at Home Depot and picked up something to dig holes, and all the things we would need for our laundry line hanging fun!

Friday:

Woke up around 7am and I took Q for a bike ride. Arnold worked on some bikes and we played in the back yard. We got a few things done and cleaned up and then went in for breakfast. Our family went to the Good Friday service. It was hard to really pay attention because I totally forgot there was no nursery/Sunday school. We had remembered to bring a bag of Cheerios and I brought some paper and pens from the church office to help occupy them. It worked out ok. We came home and had lunch and packed up some lunch for my family. They got here and quickly unloaded the car and we headed out. We took the TTC and went to the AGO and saw King Tut! I have some cute photos of the boys playing around with some King Tut masks.













When we got home Dad and Arnold worked in the backyard doing the laundry line (which I *love*) and the boys ran between them and the mad dash cleaning going on in our house. When we realized it was 7pm we ordered pizza for supper instead. It was bedtime shortly after.

Saturday:

Super early start again. Arnold and I were on the road by around 7:15am. Dad and Arnold put the hole thing in the car and we headed out. Arnold dropped me off at Walmart and he went to home depot to return that and some things we didn't use. We came home with groceries and took mom and dads car and headed out again to church. Arnold and I had more choir rehearsal while Nana and Papa watched the boys at home and got ready for that afternoon in their Easter outfits. Aren't they cute?







Arnold and I left rehearsal around 11:15am and headed to Tuckers Market place. We did our family photos and had our Easter Lunch there. It was great! I really enjoy that place.
























Mom made these super cute carrot candy holders out of scrap booking paper and everyone got one. They are sooo good.





Jack and I left early in hopes of getting home and having an egg hunt but the keys for the house weren't on the set we got so we hung out outside while we waited for everyone to get home and then we hid the eggs and the kids did a hunt











After the egg hunt we just hung out for a bit then did some egg decorating!







Then it was time for cake (cupcakes). The kids had fun trying to blow out the sparklers.









And then we opened up the gifts. Q got lots of fun stuff!


From Aunt B, Uncle James and the girls Q got a little toy car and a GC for Bulk Barn (his Favourite store)


From Nana and Papa he got a new Duplo tray to build things on




From Arnold, Kyler and I he got 2 new Mickey Club House DVD's






From Nana, Papa, and Uncle Jack he got a scooter!






From Great Grandma And Great Grandpa he got a set of cars sheets that Great Grandma made as well as a tooth fairy pillow.


We got a photo of the siblings, the first one in a while.



Uncle Jack set up the scooter:





My sister and BIL and kids headed out and we played with the bubbles in the back yard!





Papa and Arnold finished putting the hardware on the Laundry line and then worked on our dryer. We found some issues in the attic so we fixed it and now it works SOOO well. But before fixing it they had to check out the roof, K went up as well.






K got a little too close to the cupcakes and a bit too excited:



We watched a movie and had the kids head off to bed. Not until we had put our first 'big' load in the dryer of towels.. guess what!




They DRIED! On one load!

Sunday:

Another early morning. Arnold and I were on the road by 7:45am again. We wanted to return a few things but everything but the garden centers are closed and no one is taking returns so no shopping there. Arnold and I headed off to church and had lots of work to do. Nana and Papa watched the kids with Uncle Jack and got them ready for church. They had fun.

We had church and came home with our friend Rachel and we had lunch. Nana, Papa, and uncle Jack headed out and we drove Rachel home. The boys had a nap and I cleaned up a bit and put some laundry out on the line. We are now caught up! We also found out that our neighbour gave us his little old toy for the kids. They love it!






Most expensive part of the laundry line, but it helps alot!






The family went for a bike ride later and had a great time. Then the boys helped Arnold make supper and we enjoyed a family supper. Now Arnold just left to go to church and help out some more. We are watching one of Q's new movie and then it's off to bed for the boys.







There! now you are caught up! I hope you had a wonderful Easter Weekend!