I don't wanna....

Forewarning... I'm having a "night"  I'm bummed, mad and upset.  I can't take anymore "bad" things happening and I need to vent.  This is not something I'm looking for to be fixed, or "made better".  It's just me an my emotions.


I don't wanna have a house that's a mess
I don't wanna have a fridge that isn't full
I don't wanna have a dryer that needs 4 + times to dry 3 towels!
I don't wanna have boys who are having health problems
I don't wanna have sick family members
I don't wanna have people in my house that can't do things for themselves
I don't wanna have a husband who is the tech guy at our church
I don't wanna have a broken work computer
I don't wanna have lost all of my information from church
I don't wanna have to rebuild all of my work from the past 5 months
I don't wanna have to share my office/workspace with random people
I don't wanna have to leave my personal items from my life out of my office so others can't "use" my office
I don't wanna have to have our boat vacation cancelled
I don't wanna have a dad who has cancer
I don't wanna have dad's cancer be such a concern that they up his radiation
I don't wanna lose my father
I don't wanna see my mom panic all the time
I don't wanna see my parent's move
I don't wanna lose my only "home" I've known since I've been married
I don't wanna go to a cottage for vacation (it reminds me of the last time I was at a cottage pregnant with Otis)
I don't wanna cry so much
I don't wanna be alone so much
I don't wanna have to hide my feelings
I don't wanna keep things inside for fear of making people upset
I don't wanna be left out of choices that affect me even if I'm not full time
I don't wanna be bumped from my schools job placement
I don't wanna be renting
I don't wanna be the "responsible one"
I don't wanna be the one that has to make everything better
I don't wanna be the one that stresses out about everything
I don't wanna be a stress eater
I don't wanna have a "big belly" like my boys say
I don't wanna be lazy
I don't wanna be a slob
I don't wanna be someone who can't lose weight
I don't wanna be on blood pressure meds
I don't wanna have an unmarked grave for my son
I don't wanna use their markers for his site
I don't wanna take up 2 people's "spaces" for Otis and Baby Casey
I don't wanna have babies who are dead
I don't wanna "see them in heaven"... I want them here now
I don't wanna just be a family of "2 boys on earth and 2 babies in heaven"
I don't wanna be "that mom"
I don't wanna be dealing with stress in an unhealthy way
I don't wanna look at the scale every Friday and want to cry
I don't wanna have a husband who spends more time running around doing things for others than spending time with his kids
I don't wanna be demanding my husband spend time with his family
I don't wanna be someone who stresses about money
I don't wanna be someone who can't keep their life in order
I don't wanna have a mother-in-law who has cancer
I don't wanna be here in Ontario and not be able to be there when she has her big appointment
I don't wanna be so far away from all our family
I don't wanna.....
I don't wanna.....

I just don't wanna.