Grief

Grief is like an ocean. 

If you have never experienced a loss just think about a day at the beach.  You are hanging out with friends and family.  Maybe digging holes to see how long it takes to get to water.  Or maybe you build a sandcastle with your kids.  Enjoying the craziness of making it just right.  Watching something appear out of nothing.  What a beautiful thing.

Then, something happens.  You lose something.  Something you have wanted for such a long time.  And that's when the waves hit you.  It's like a storm.  The waves of grief smash against you.  They destroy your sandcastle.  They destroy your day at the beach.  Its as if nothing will stop.  These waves of sadness, tears and your heavy heart will not stop.  No matter what.

Slowly, every so slowly the waves go back into the ocean of tears.  They move away from the shore line, from your perfect day at the beach.  The waves back up.  The pain of losing someone or something backs up.  The horrible loss feeling isn't there all the time.  It's like the first time you smile after a loss.  You aren't sure you can laugh or even smile, but you do.  The wave of grief isn't as pounding as before.

The sun comes out, the sand dries up, as do your tears.  The waves back up, the pound on the shore isn't as bad as it used to be.  It isn't as hard as you remember.  There are moments of sadness, moments when you miss that person or that thing so badly it hurts.  Moments when tears just pour out of you.

Those are the moments that are the hardest to explain.  For me they come so randomly.  Sometimes they seem so far between.  Sometimes I feel like I can go for weeks without feeling sad.  Weeks without thinking about my baby.  Then a storm comes.  Something happens.  Something sets me off and I just break down. 

Last night was a break down.  I'm not sure why, I'm not sure what brought it on, I'm just not sure.  But it happen.  It was hard to take.  I just missed my baby.

So if you are reading this and have never felt the loss in your life, please keep this in mind.  Just because something tragic happens "a long time ago" doesn't mean the waves of grief aren't going to hit later.  This isn't an excuse.  It's the truth.

Grief is like the waves of an ocean.  Lapping in and bringing memories, tears and sadness.