Monday, June 10, 2013

Marriage Monday ~ Loving When Things Are Hard

**If you have read much of this blog, or follow me on FB you know that we have lost 2 babies last year.  I want to say first and foremost I know not everyone has experienced this type of loss.  So that being said I'm going to try and gear this post to something else that's "hard" instead.**


Things are always hard right?

Sometimes we take on too much

Sometimes we have too much time to spend doing/thinking about the "hard" things

And sometimes we just have to deal with it head on.

When I took my Doula classes I learned more about the "fight or flight" reactions we have as humans.  When something "hard" happens we can either "fight" the problem or we can "flight" run from it.  I knew during our study it was more of an in pain thing but it really works for just about anything.

The other day in class (I volunteer in my son's SK class) the class was just driving me crazy.  Like completely crazy.  It doesn't help that I was getting sick (realizing that now when I look back) and things were just hard.  I took that time to say to the teacher "ok, I'm done!  I cant' deal with them anymore" and I walked away and went to do something else.  I know it's not just me, as others have said the same thing but it was that "flight" sense coming in.  I ran from the problem.  Instead of dealing with these kids I walked away and didn't bother.  It "wasn't worth it".

Yes, we all have things that "aren't worth it".  For example, our kid wants to wear the blue sweater instead of the green one.  Fine.  It's not worth it. 

Something I truly believe is "worth it" not matter what happens is my relationship with my husband.  He is worth it more than anything.

I was watching a news clip on the computer the other day about how someone said she puts her relationship with her husband before her one with her children.  It got such a flack for that comment.

But I agree (sort of).  My relationship with God is #1.  While I don't spend enough time with Him I know it's my #1 thing in my life.  (and I'm working on my time management!)  My relationship with my husband is #2.  My relationship with my kids #3 and all other things come behind that.

My husband and I need to be that example for my children.  That example of how a good, loving, godly relationship needs to work.  We may not be the perfect example (in fact I know we aren't) but I feel like we are a good one for our kids and our family.  We have seen what works and doesn't work in our own parents relationship and we move on to make ours work better.

A few months ago we had a couple of weeks that we knew things weren't going well.  I was having problems; Arnold was having problems and together nothing was working.  We had such a hard time.

We ended up stating that needed time apart.  Arnold spent more time upstairs and I spent more time in the basement.  In our own time, we both realized that this wasn't going to work.  As much as living as "roommates" in our own home something wasn't going to work.  Something needed to be fixed. 

And Fast

Part of me wanted to run home to my parents.  I wanted to pack up the kids and run away.  (Flight)  I was going to get as far away from this as I could.  I didn't want to deal with the problem.  I had no energy left to deal with what was happening. 

The other part of me wanted to stick it out, talk about it and work through this.

Something you have to realize about Arnold is he is *not* a talker at all.  He doesn't like talking things out.  Talking about things over and over again.  Or sometimes, I'm pretty sure of this, listening to me talk it to death and hope it comes back to life again to talk about it some more!

I'm the talker.

As I sat down to do my devotions one of the days during this I realized that it wasn't all these things I thought were hard.  It was something Arnold and I had piled on and on and didn't talk about or deal with for such a long time that we had to get *that* out in the open.  God showed me just what needed to be talked about, figured out and how to deal with it.

Arnold and I got through it.  It took awhile.  Almost learning to trust each other again.  But we both knew our relationship was a fighting one.  Not a running one. 

We need to fight for each other.  This also means, for us, carving out time to spend together.  And really it's not always talking; snuggling on the couch; or making out (mind you those ARE fun :) )  It's more things like working beside each other on the couch; being close; understanding that we both have our differences but we both need to find that time to be together.  And this is ours.

We are now back to watching a TV show together.  It kind of helps us to connect.  We spend 45 minutes together hanging out.  Arnold will play on his computer or phone.  I check my phone every once and a while and I'll watch a TV show.  Currently playing in our house is JAG.   Before that was NCIS and NCIS LA.

I'm not fond of Dr. Who (which is Arnold's favourite) so sometimes I'll handle the star trek tv shows we watch.

I guess what I'm rambling about is you need to decide from the beginning of your relationship.  Will you "fight" for each other?  Or will you get on the first "flight" and get out of there?

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