New Years Eve PARTY!

Hey Readers,

Things have been a bit crazy here.  I've wanted a bit of time to recover from losing Otis, then end of the year at school, Christmas, and now I'm hoping for a fantastic new year.

I did some "pinterest" checking about things to do to celebrate new years.  I wanted something good to do for our family.  So I came up with some plans.

First off, I decorated our tree.  Today we "undecorated" the tree from Christmas things and tonight, while
the boys were napping I redecorated it with a New Years Theme:

It's all decorated with necklaces, noise makers, horns, "2013" glasses, hats, and balloons.

I am so excited for the kids to see the tree :)

There are balloons starting at 5pm and they look like this:

One side has "5pm" on it along with a hint about what we will be doing during that hour, and then on the other side is clock.  Kyler can read the clock (or is learning) and Quinton can read the time written out.  The kids pop the balloons and then find out what we are doing.  Each balloon has a little write up of what we will be doing.  For example... 5pm is a "the fun begins!  Head out on a hunt and see what joys you can find"

The kids will then head out on a hunt around the neighbourhood.  They start at our house with a clue and continue on to the next 4 houses we know.  Each house will have a bag with a treat and a balloon:

We got them new flashlights

They will get little airplanes

Glow in the dark glasses!

Bubbles, but they will freeze when it's below 0 :)

When they get back they will do 6pm (Fondue begins - cheese and bread) and we will talk about their goals for 2013:

Then at 7pm we are doing some Wii games/board games with the kids.  They are really into it now.  And we have a little container with some trophies in it for them, as well as the container will be our families time capsule

8pm we will be doing the Meat Fondue.  Arnold is VERY excited for this part.  The kids will be encouraged to put on their "fat pants" (ie pjs) and new socks:

9pm is time to walk around the neighbourhood and see the lights.  They will be given some glow sticks to go out and walk around:

10pm we will have dessert fondue (fruit and chocolate and marshmallow dip) and make some noise makers:

11pm is movie time!  I could only think of one movie that is a new years theme in it.  It's WTP Seasons Greetings.  We will watch it and the boys get to have their own bowls and fill them with goodies (goodies are still packed away)

11:45pm we will be undecorating the tree.  Getting some hats, noise makers, necklaces, and the poppers :)

Then once the movie is over we send the kiddos to bed, and us too!

Thank goodness for my waffle maker!  I've made a batch and put them in the freezer for quick breakfast on the 1st!

Anyway I hope I have given you some hope and maybe some ideas for next year.

Happy New Years!  May this coming year be better than the last. May God grant us the wisdom to use the experiences from 2012 to make us better people in 2013.

Bruises fade, Tears slow....

Slowly my bruises are fading.  For anyone who saw me in the hospital or after knows I had my fair share of bruises.  I was showing them off like my battle scars. 

When I arrived at the hospital I had blood taken from my right hand.... this resulted in a bruise. 

I had an "art" line (arterial line - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arterial_catheter ) in my right arm when I first got there.  After 12 hours is clotted and needed to be removed. Boy was that bruise a good one.  All the way down from my wrist to almost my elbow... fun!

My poor left hand.  Everything went in there.  From start to finish I had an art line, 4 IV's and a few blood pokes.  It's been a mess.  Slowly. Slowly my poor arm is getting better.  Now only a few spots with bruises remain but mostly my hand hurts.  It had my last IV in it.

While the bruises on my body are fading, and my tears aren't coming as often I still wonder...

When does the broken heart heal? 

Right now, it feels like never.  Once and a while I'll be laying in bed and feel like my heart physically hurts.  And it does.  It hurts so much that I'm not sure what to do.  Other times I lay there and think of all the things I want this Christmas a whole heart is one of them.  It's not something that will happen over night, and it's not something I'm ready to be completely open about but it's broken.  It will take some time and I just need to be ready for it.

For those who know me, I'm a planner.  A big time planner.  And this is something God is teaching me.  You can't plan your grief.  You can't plan when it will stop, and you can't plan when it will be over, and you can't plan when it will hit you. 

Today we (Mom and I) took back my maternity clothes we had bought just a month ago.  I couldn't go in the store.  I had Mom do it.  When she got out she said it was the hardest thing to do.  When asked why the clothes were being returned she told the lady that we had lost Otis and ended up in tears.  It sounds silly but that was one of the final things to do.  Now it's a matter of finding homes for the little boy clothes we have, the diapers, the maternity clothes I did wear but that can be in a while, it doesn't have to be now. 

So for now, my bruises have faded and my tears have slowed, but my broken heart is going to take some time.

Whats next?

I've had some people ask me what's next?  Will you try again?  You can always have another child.

To be honest, I'm scared.  It's not very often you hear me say that but I'm scared.  Little things scare me right now.  One is even thinking of having another baby. 

For now I'm changing my focus.  My boys need me to be their mommy.  My husband needs me.  My family needs me.  And I need to figure out who I am, and what I'm doing here.

It's not alot, but who knew it would be this hard to figure out!  So that's where we are.  What's next for us?  Well... Christmas.  But we are taking it one day at a time.  Nothing crazy, nothing life changing, just one day at a time.

Life

Life is hard sometimes.  It's wonderful sometimes.  And still others... I go crazy!

For now an "information" post is best.  November was a hard month. 

I had an ultrasound on Nov 14th and on the 15th I got a call saying the baby was small and had a lack of fluid.  I made an appointment with an OB for  Nov 21st and waited.

We saw her and went over my history.  We did a quick talk about the past ultrasound and tried to find babys heartbeat.  We couldn't.  I was sent for an ultrasound, blood work, and back to the office.  My blood pressure was high, very high.

We were sent to L&D at the hospital.  They couldn't get my 202/120 BP down.  We ended up in ICU doing drugs to get my BP under control.  After spending Wednesday to Monday there I met with the baby specialist about how small our little one was.  He suggested we transfer to Mount Siani(sp) hospital.  We did Monday afternoon.

We were admitted and drugged some more!  My BP dropped lower than I've ever seen and I was sick.  We ended up waiting overnight to get into the ultrasound to see the baby.  God granted us with not having to make the choice about our baby.  My severe pre-ecclampia was so bad that we knew the only way to get better was to deliver our baby early.  But at the ultrasound we found out our little one had already passed away a few days before.

I was induced and delivered our sweet baby Otis Gus Gilbert Visser on Wednesday, Nov 28th around 4am. 

We spent the next few days in the hospital working on my Blood pressure.  I was released on Friday and I'm home now.

I'm still on meds for my bp and I'm working to keep it under control.  I take one med at 6am and 6pm and then another med at 10am and 10pm.  It's hard to keep on track but I need to do this.

Now I'm grieving.  My baby boy.  My sweet baby boy is gone and I can't do anything about it.  Some days are good, some days are bad and some are both.  Some nights I can sleep, some nights I can't and some nights I don't know what to do. 

The boys are getting by.  Every once and a while we get questions from my boys about it.  Tonight Quinton prayed for baby and asked God to keep him safe and I started crying.  Every day is different.

So for now, bare with me while I work through this.  I'm having a hard time sometimes.  Others... I'm ready to take on the world, for a few hours.

I'll be back, I promise.