Rain Day!

Can you believe it?  We almost had snow! SNOW!  In APRIL?!?!  Crazy!

No we got rain.  And so far it's windy cold and annoining!

There are so many puddles in the school playground that when Kyler ran out of the school he had landed in a puddle.  This means runner are on the heater, new socks and pants are drying over the back of a chair.

I"m not aginst rain, I"m aginst COLD rain :)

Just not ready, yet

I'm sitting here on the couch blogging while my family is getting ready for church. I'm just not ready, yet.

I'm not ready to "face the world" as some people call it. I'm just not ready to see so many babies in one place. I'm just not ready to see friends/family-like-people yet. I don't know why but I'm not ready.

I posted on a website I'm on about how I'm not ready. I'm almost scared to go and do these things. A friend, who has been through this before said, "It's normal Mir. I'm glad you are mourning the loss. You need to. It's ok to tell people that you are NOT fine too." I guess that is not something I'm "ok" with.

I'm not someone who tells people I'm NOT fine. I just don't do that.

Last night we went to a friends house for dinner. They have a 2.5year old (Melody) and a 2 month old (David). It was so nice to be out with them visiting and chatting. And to be honest this was the first time I've seen other people that know what is going on. I got a huge hug from Stephanie when I got there and then I held David. This was the first time I've held a baby since losing Casey. I teared up almost right away. He is so cute, and so little and just so sweet!

I won't lie, I had to bite my tongue to not have a full blown tear fest.

When we got home last night, and the boys were in bed, things put away and Arnold and I were finally in bed I cried. Arnold held me while I cried and I realized no matter how much I pretend I'm ok, I am not ok.


I am not ready to do everything I want. I am not ready to be at church; I am not ready to be working in the nursery; I'm not ready to see friends from church. I am just not ready.

I am just not ready, yet.

But I will be. I know God will give me the graces to be ready. I will be ready to do everything I did before with more love, excitement and joy but until then please just bare with me.

Things that make YOU happy

Lately I've been trying to get out of my "funk". I'm not really sure what else to call this. I've been doing little things that make me happy.

Some are not good for me (eating chocolate) others are fun (changing photos). I've been slowly working through some photos.

See, Spring time is CRAZY for me. I"m always taking photos of things growing and how beautiful everything is. I'm always reminded that God bring Spring to teach us, things will be good agin, things will be beautiful again. We just have to get past our winter.

Thank you Lord for changing seasons, in the world and in our lives.

So I've been taking pictures. ALOT. And currently my favourite thing is to change it so I only have colour on certin things. It's alot of fun. I'm really enjoying it. Along with getting back with my camera I'm also learning slowly but surely that things can change from day to day.

For example, while I'm writing this blog post it's wonderful outside. Plus 14C with a high today of plus 22C. I'm so happy, however... it's not always like that. Yesterday was COLD! I'm not sure I like the changes, but they also mean changes for my photographs. The flowers don't like cold. And who can blame them!

Anyway... I'm slowly working on things that make me happy. Wearing spring colours, reaing books, taking photos, and enjoying every snuggle and "payment" (kisses on my cheaks) from my boys. So what makes YOU happy? I'm going to include a few photos I've been doing. Enjoy!

Happy Birthday Quinton!

On April 10th my little man became a "whole hand".  I love it when they have birthdays.  It's so cool to see each of the kids progress into the men they will become.  I am so proud of them.

Quinton is still having some speech issues.  Currently we noticed it with the "TH" that they are doing at school.  We are getting ALOT of "F's" so I'm planning on going through my paperwork from the boys and see if I can find anything that may help us.  He has also begun to read!  I'm not 100% sure if I posted in there before but Q was getting so worried about his reading an so concerned that he couldn't do it.  So we started with small books.  Like "HUG".  It was great!  There are 3 words: hug, mama, bobo.  Perfect for Q.  And he loves that book.  This week they started the reading bags for the Jr's and his came home with a book called "Farm Friends".  He reads it like a pro "I see a cow.  I see a horse.  I see a hen.  I see a sheep.  I see a farm!"  I love watching him progress.

When I asked Q about himself he said he :

is full of energy (he *never* needs to sleep!)
can READ!
loves to bounce,
loves to play Wii, and
is a "whole hand"

It's so cute!

Anyway, Q's birthday wasn't as much fun as we thought it would be.  Between everyone not feeling well (including Q) it was low key.  The boys did have fun.  Here are some of the photos I've got from that day:

Baby Casey

Our family now consists of a new baby. Baby Casey.

We found out that we were expecting a new baby into our family in March. It was a shock. We have been trying to have baby #3 for years. And I do mean years. In fact this cycle made it 2 years and 7 months of "planned" trying. As Arnold and I absorbed the idea of having a new baby we were overjoyed to have finally succeeded with making another child.

For those of you who don't know this baby was a long time coming. Not only have we been officially trying for so long but we have also started to do follow ups with a fertility doctor. I got a referral in September for Arnold and I to go and see a fertility specialist. We did. She was great. We did a cycle observation which included blood test, internal and abdominal ultrasounds every 2 days after CD (Cycle Day) #3. This went on until I ovulated and then we came back to see her the next cycle. I also had a biopsy and another test. Arnold went through some tests as well.

Once our cycle was done we knew how to progress from there. It took alot of prayer and thought and we chose a course of action. Not only did that take some time but it was a lot of worry and prayer to figure out what to do and what to sacrifice. So this positive pregnancy test was so incredible! I was in shock! I couldn't believe it. It took me a bit to handle and then to realize this was true! WOW! A baby!! We were due in November. What a great birthday gift for Arnold!

We went through a few weeks of not telling anyone. I did my best to be quiet to those who we see/know in real life (in other words the news was out to my online family). I did, however, tell a few people. The girl leaders of youth group since we were on a weekend away and I wasn't feeling 100%, the youth pastor as he is trying to find a possible new youth leader, the Sr. pastor so that he could think of someone else to help out in the nursery and one of the children's education leaders to let her know what was going to happen in the nursery.

The last Wednesday in March I was at youth group. I started to spot and freaked out. I went home. I told one of the leaders and she assured me that they would be praying for me. We called TelaHealth and was told to basically sit at home and wait it out. If there was any pain, problems or major concerns to call them back and they would call ahead to the hospital and get me in.

By Thursday afternoon the spotting stopped. I did alot of praying while laying on my back. I know that spotting happens. Heck! It happen with me when I was pregnant with Quinton. Still it was concerning a bit. I trusted that everything was ok and did my best to do pretty much nothing for the rest of the week, with what I could re-arrange.

Sunday morning I told the children's education leader at church and began to set up people to take over the nursery for me. I really just need to "plan". I'm a total planner! On the way home from church I knew something was wrong. I just could feel it. I went into the house and while I was going to the washroom Arnold was getting the boys prepped to be left with Uncle Jack while Arnold and I planned on going to Costco. About an hour, hour and a half round trip. I got out of the washroom and Arnold could see the panicked look on my face. We got in the car and I told him I was bleeding. Not spotting but full out bleeding. It was horrible.

I was so worried and so scared that I asked him to bring me to the hospital. So he did. Arnold dropped me off at emerg and went to Costco in hopes that if we could get 2 different things done at the same time and be home then we wouldn't have to tell my brother what was going on.

After 2 hours in emerg I texted Jack and told him I wasn't feeling well so we went to the hospital. Since Jack didn't have to work he was ok watching the boys. We waited, and waited, and waited. In fact 6 hours later we finally saw a doctor. She said my blood work was a bit behind where it should be but generally seemed ok. And since I was so early in the pregnancy (I would have been 6 weeks and 3 days) that she didn't expect to see anything on the cart ultrasound kit the have in the hospital. And she couldn't. She set me up with an ultrasound for 2 days from then to go to their clinic upstairs and get a better look. 2 days. I had to wait 2 days! Arnold and I picked up pizza and went home. I had 2 days to wait.

I woke up in the morning bleeding more than I thought and I freaked. I started crying telling Arnold I didn't want to move. If laying on the couch could save this baby I wasn't going to get up for anything, at all. Arnold called into work and told his boss what was going on. They wouldn't expect him until Wednesday and hoped things would go ok for us. We told Jack that we were pregnant so he knew what was going on.

I called our fertility doctor and they got us in for an ultrasound at 11:30am. Arnold and I picked up Q quickly from school. Mrs. F, his teachers aid, packed him a snack and some extra cookies and sent us on our way. We went to the appointment. I had an ultrasound (drank enough for that before we went) and then blood work and saw the dr. She told us that there was a sac and a yoke! We were so happy. A baby was in there. She did say that the baby was measuring 5 weeks. By then we should have been 6 weeks and 4 days. But a week behind isn't out of the ordinary for us. And with my crazy cycles this could be ok. We were just happy. I was sent home to rest, take a progestrone(sp) drug, and come back in a week to see her again and do blood work and an ultrasound. We got home and I took my position on the couch.

Arnold got Kyler from school and everyone was ok with "Mommy's tummy ache" and me being on the couch alot. On Tuesday Arnold went back to work. I talked to Jack about how things were going and that he didn't have to worry about moving out before the baby came. We have such a huge room in the basement that we can fit the baby in there for a while and not have any problems with that. I did alot of resting on the couch and chilled out.

When I went to get the boys from school I stopped and talked to a girl who lives on our street. I got her to walk Kyler home for me the next day since I knew it might be a bit crazy to walk down and back if I was to be on bedrest'ish.

Wednesday morning I woke up cramping and bleeding badly. I was so scared. I called the office and they got me in with the dr at 11:15am. Arnold stayed home with me. We went and picked up Q early (Mrs. F also packed another great snack for Q) and we headed off to the office. I did an ultrasound, blood work and talked to her. I was alot calmer then. I asked questions about what was going on with the baby (the sac was slowly moving down the wall, not always a bad thing but generally not a good thing) and I asked what would happen if the numbers were lower. What happens for a miscarriage and what do we do next.

We went home and Arnold booked it out of there quickly. He had his review at work at 2pm and had to get there fast. Q and I chilled at home. The Fertility clinic called the house around 2:30pm and told me we were losing the baby. My betas went from over 7000 on Monday to 5800 on Wednesday.

I cried and cried and cried. I called my mom. And instead of being able to tell her on the weekend like we had planned I told her on the phone. She knew I was upset so she said she would call back in an hour or so. When she did I was still upset and she had made arrangements in the mean time to come to Toronto. At the time I wasn't sure I could handle it but once she told me I was so relieved.

Arnold came home as soon as his review was over. He just held me and we cried. It's so hard to realize that you are attached to something, so quickly, so completely in such a short time. The bond that God has created between Mother and Child is just amazing.

Needless to say it was a rough few days. With having what felt like contractions and bleeding and just not feeling 100% I was ready for things to be done. I remember telling Arnold there was no way I could do this. There was no way I could ever do this again. I can't lose a baby. My heart is broken and there is nothing that can fix it. Sometime between then and now I feel like my heart is beginning to heal.

Knowing it's ok to cry, it's ok to be upset, and most importantly it's ok to show your emotions has helped to make this better. I do not know what kind of baby Casey would have been. I don't know if this would have been another energetic, incredible boy like my other two. Or if this child would have been our only girl. What I do know is this baby, even though their short time here with us, was loved. Oh SO much.


I have a few pictures I would like to share. However they are still on my camera so I will post them in a few days. While this post may be a "too much information" for those of you out there. I didn't write it for you. I wrote it for me. For my heart and to remember. And I wrote it for those out there who may be going through the same thing. The more you talk about a miscarriage with someone the more you find out other people had the same thing.

Happy Easter!

Last weekend was Easter. We were having a rough week to begin with but it was even tougher when Q started to throw up and with him puking and then Arnold feeling poorly it was a long weekend. However... by Sunday morning Q was back to his normal self and Arnold was down for the count. We had already cancelled Easter plans with the family. Once we had breakfast, did Q's gifts and some Easter gifts my mom and dad headed back to Sarnia. I had the kids rest up and then out they went to find what the Easter bunny had left them: Later that night we went for a walk to burn off some of that energy! We had some of Q's "cone cakes" that Nana had made. They were SO good. Peanut butter cake in a cone, with nutella pushed in the middle and peanut butter icing, chocolate sprinkles and gummies! FANTASTIC! Anyway here's the "best" pictures I could get of the boys: And we saw this on our walk. The boys want to do something like it next year at our house: